Missing Like You

FIFTY-SEVEN

Lexie
Wednesday July 14, 2021

Dear Diary,

Today I am fuming. Today I am livid. Today I don't know what else to do with my emotions or where to channel them, so I'm writing in here.

I don't know how we let it get to this. I don't know how two people who were so happy and content in each other's presence could get to where we are now. But alas, we have reached a point of no return. Scott wants nothing to do with me.

It happened a couple of weeks ago. He dropped me off one night and just like that, it was over. In the blink of an eye, the person that I love and find solace in was abandoning me, just like everybody else in my life. I knew it was hard for him. I knew he didn't want to do it. He fed me bullshit excuses, saying that he loves his wife and that what we've been doing is wrong. Yes, I wanted to scream, what we've been doing is wrong! We've known that from the beginning. But that's why we got along and connected as well as we did. Because we were both in the same boat, trying to run from something, trying to seek something else. We both jettisoned our morals upon meeting each other. Any feelings of guilt and remorse were long gone. I thought we were on the same page. That's why I feel so betrayed by him. I thought we were the same. I had finally met someone who was just like me in every way and didn't care about the consequences or what we lost along the way. But I was wrong. And that all changed the night in his car.

I've been quite a mess since then. I was in denial at first, refusing to believe that it was over. I would lock myself in the bathroom and cry so that Mark wouldn't hear me. I'd pace the room, back and forth, tempted to call Scott, but knowing he most likely wouldn't succumb. I kept replaying his words in my head. This is wrong. I love my wife.

Scott has it all. He got to stay in a happy marriage with his beautiful wife, and he also got to have an affair with me. But I'm not as fortunate. Scott was my escape. He was my everything. Without him, I am forced back into my unhappy, abusive marriage. Trapped, scared, and alone. Did he realize the severity of his actions when he made that decision? I highly doubt it.

I've done some desperate things to get him back. Like calling his work line, sending him text messages that I probably shouldn't have. He met with me one night, at a hotel. We ended up sleeping together, but I knew he probably regretted it. I've tried to keep my distance since then, but it's so hard when he's everything I want.

I am not a crazy or delusional person. I pride myself in how level-headed and logical I am. But somehow, he's managed to turn me into one. I've never felt this angry and manic before. Thoughts of mine that were once sane are now outrageous. I lay awake at night, brainstorming things that would have never crossed my mind before. It makes me feel ill thinking this way, but I can't help it. Love has driven me to madness.

I've lost a great deal in my life. From my mother dying, to getting kicked out of the sorority and having to survive on my own, to my father dying, to the abuse from Mark. Yet somehow, this is different. All those other losses were out of my control. I couldn't do anything to change the outcome of the situation. But this I could have controlled. That's the hardest part. Thinking what if scenarios and wondering what I could have done differently to get Scott to change his mind and stay. I'm tormenting myself, playing with the impossible. I don't know how to accept this fate and come to grips with this reality.

I feel crazy and desperate. I've never been one to make rash, insensible decisions, but right now that is all I want to do. I think about showing up at his house, showing up at his work. I want to get his attention, make him see what he's done to me, how badly he's hurt me. I envision calling his wife, telling her everything. That's what I think about the most. I want to see her face when she finds out the truth about her husband.

I think about every single way that I can hurt Scott and make him experience the same pain that I'm feeling. But then there's a part of me that only wants to do this because I still love him and want him for myself. Perhaps if his wife knew the truth, she'd leave him, and then he'd finally come back to me. I'd push him to the edge until we both had nothing. But at least we'd have nothing together.

I hate him. But I love him. I want to make him suffer, but I also don't want to. I'm so conflicted, a battle between my head and my heart. I want to scream. I want to break things. I want him to take me into his arms and hold me until everything is okay again.

I don't think Scott understands the severity of his actions. He has pushed me to a point that is hard to come back from. Does he not understand that I've lost every good thing in my life? I have nothing left. Absolutely nothing. He was the one good thing that kept me going, and now he, too, is gone. And you know what they say: A girl who has nothing has nothing to lose.