Missing Like You

TWENTY-FIVE

SCOTT DONOVAN
JUNE 2021

I didn't know what to do. I felt as though I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. I had two options. I could cut things off with Lexie and go back to my wife, pretending that the whole thing never happened and attempt to redeem myself to Isabelle in every way that I could. Or, I could continue doing what I was doing, living two separate lives, one truthful, the other a lie.

Here's the thing. I was more inclined to go with the first option. It was the proper thing to do and everything in my gut was telling me to be a moral man and do the right thing. But it wasn't that straight forward. It was a battle between my head and my heart. I wanted to cut Lexie off. I wanted to say goodbye and never speak to her again. But I couldn't. I was drawn to her, addicted in more ways than one. And I knew that if I cut her off, it wouldn't last for long. I'd attempt to be strong in the beginning. I'd pretend to be okay and normal and act like everything was fine. But deep down, it would be crippling. And then I'd end up caving and finding my way back to her again anyways.

There was also one other crucial factor that kept me firm in my decision to keep seeing Lexie, and that was the fact that I was scared of her. Not physically, because she was tiny and weak compared to me. No, I was scared of the power she possessed, the secrets she held over me. If Isabelle were to ever find out, my life would be over. I guess I had this internal worry that, regardless of her feelings for me, if I were to end things with Lexie, she would do anything and everything to destroy me.

That was just a trivial fear though, a part of my subconscious that was a bit over-imaginative. Lexie was a sweet girl. When I looked at her, I could sense no danger. I told myself not to worry, that I had nothing to fear. Lexie would never do that to me.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

I had met Lexie in February. It was now June. Five months wasn't that long of a time to know someone in the grand scheme of things, but with Lexie and I, five months was equivalent to decades. The things we had done together in that time, the information and knowledge about each other we had combed through. Lexie knew everything there was to know about me. I'd say the same thing about Isabelle, which is essentially true, except Isabelle didn't know about Lexie. Lexie knew about Isabelle. Therefore, Lexie knew everything and Isabelle knew almost everything. I hated it.

With that being said, I knew basically everything there was to know about Lexie as well. She told me about her childhood and her parents. She told me how her mother died when she was sixteen and it changed the course of her life. She told me about her dreams and aspirations in life, how she wanted to go off to university and become a doctor, but her dad couldn't afford it. She told me so many stories about her life, and I have to admit, she went through a lot of hardships. But eventually, she met her husband, and then everything else seemed to straighten out after that. He was older than her and had a good paying job. He was everything that she looked for in a man, and he looked after her. They married just after she turned twenty-two, which is strange to think about because it's the same age that I was when I married Isabelle. But Lexie's situation was different. She had only known him for two years, whereas I had known Isabelle for six.

"What made you decide to start using Lenora Valentine?" I asked her once. We were sitting on a picnic blanket in a park, eating sushi.
I watched as she popped another nori roll into her mouth and chewed. She took a sip from her water bottle and looked at me. "Same reason as you," she said it so matter-of-fact. "Infidelity."
"That much is obvious," I said. "But was there a certain moment in your marriage? An incident or something that caused your curiosity to wander?"
She thought about this. "Not really. My marriage is mediocre at best. Despite what you may think, I don't share everything with you. But," she paused. "I don't know. I guess I just wanted to try it out. Infidelity, that is. It was more about me than it was about him or our marriage. Or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe our marriage and the way he is was exactly what led me to it. I really don't know." She took another sip of her water and looked at me. "What about you?"
"I was in the car listening to the radio," I told her. "I had heard of Lenora before, always in passing, and never thought anything of it. But on the radio that day, they were reading out statistics for the cities with the highest users. Philly was third on the list. It got me thinking. Curiosity, I guess. And then I created an account and found you."
She smiled at this, then reached up and held my face in her hand. "Was it about you, or was it about Isabelle?"
"Definitely not Isabelle," I said, pulling my head away from her grasp. "Isabelle has never done anything wrong. I don't blame her at all for my actions. Whatever thoughts and curiosities I had that led me to Lenora Valentine are strictly my own. I just wanted to see what it would be like, that's all. I wasn't expecting to get caught up in the tropical hurricane that is Lexie."
This made her smile again. "Is that what you think I am, Donovan? A hurricane?"
I looked into her eyes, so blue, so captivating. "Only the worst kind."
She smiled again and titled her head sideways, examining me. "If only you knew."