Missing Like You

THIRTY-FIVE

Lexie
Monday September 10, 2018

Dear Diary,

Things have been great lately and I'm just so happy all of the time. This past summer was amazing. I spent so much time outdoors, going for hikes, swimming in the pool, going on road trips with friends. I feel like my life is finally beginning to take shape and form into something I'm proud of. My past two summers have been miserable and lonely. I didn't really have many friends and I didn't know what I was going to do with my life. But it's all starting to make sense now.

I'm twenty-one, finally! I celebrated my birthday a few weeks ago and made a big deal of it since I'm finally legal. I went to the store and bought alcohol for myself for the very first time. I went out to a club that night with a few girls from Rouge. We put on pretty dresses and did our makeup all nice. Then we ordered bottle service and spent the night having drinks and dancing. It was incredible.

I need to get you up to speed with this whole Mark situation. So basically, after we met that night in March, he got me the job at his firm. (Which I'm still working at, by the way.) After he found out my age, he was a bit taken back, but told me he wanted to help me get my life on track. He also said that we should wait until I was twenty-one before we started anything between us. At first I was a bit upset, and also thought he was just saying that as an excuse and would then leave and never talk to me again. But he didn't leave. He stuck by my side these past few months, helping me with anything I needed. We couldn't go on dates or kiss or do anything romantic because he has ethics and morals. (Barf.) But we did spend time together and I thoroughly enjoyed his company. There were so many times where we almost got intimate and it nearly killed me that I couldn't reach out and touch him, or have his lips on mine like I so desperately wanted. I tried to contain myself and be respectful of his wishes. If anything, I should be honoured. Not many guys would do that in his situation. That's how I know what kind of man he is. He wanted me just as badly as I wanted him, yet still, we waited. And let me just tell you – it was well worth the wait.

I've never understood why certain people save themselves for marriage. Well, I mean, I guess if their religion says to do so, then they obey. But I've always wondered how people do it. I met Mark in March and I turned twenty-one in August. That's six months of wanting to be with someone, but not being able to. So when my birthday came and I was legally of age AT LAST, Mark and I were finally able to tear down these walls between us and be together. It was mind-blowing.

Now it's September and I guess you could say we're officially in a relationship. Six years isn't even that big of an age-gap when you really think about it. One of my friend's parents were ten years apart! So really, in the grand scheme of things, this is nothing.

I'm still working at Rouge (for now), as well as getting more hours at the day-job working for Mark. He wants me to quit Rouge, but I told him it's my main source of income and I need it. He says he'll pay me more at the firm, but I really don't feel comfortable with him doing that and pulling more strings than he already has. I worried in the beginning that it would be a conflict of interest with me working there, considering he owns the place and everything. It would seem unfair to the other employees if I got raises and wage-increases since we are now in a relationship. That's why Mark and I decided to keep our relationship secret, just between us. That way it makes things less complicated at work and no one has to worry.

It's an interesting dynamic we have going on there, and to be completely honest, I find it kind of erotic. We don't talk or make eye-contact at all during work. If he needs to tell me something work-related, he does so in the utmost professional manner. Sometimes it scares me how well he is at it. No one would have a clue. He even fools me sometimes and I get scared for a minute. Then I remind myself that he's just acting, and when we go home later that night, he's all mine.

I've never felt this way about anyone else before. I've been intimate with quite a few guys over the past couple years, but that was mostly me searching for a piece of myself that I didn't know where to find. I didn't have feelings for those boys or envision a future with them, not like I do with Mark. He's the first person who makes me want to better myself for him. I want to strive for good things and do everything I can do create a future for us.

Looking back, I was young and naïve. I didn't know any better. I was still learning about myself and discovering who I wanted to be as a person. It took running away from home, falsely joining a sorority, befriending a pregnant girl, and working at a strip club to finally bring me to where I am now. Everything happens for a reason, and sometimes I find myself hating the life that I've had and loathe every single terrible experience I've been through. But all of those things shaped me into the person I am today.

Despite all that, I still wish that mom never died. I wish that she could see where I am now and be proud of me. Although, who even knows if I would have ended up here if she was still alive. Life probably would have turned out so differently. I'd be in a completely different place right now. While that might have been nice, and I could have been in university getting an education with a polite boyfriend who carried my books and walked me home at night, I'm secretly glad I ended up where I am now. If it wasn't for all those obstacles in my life, then I never would have met Mark.