Missing Like You

TWENTY-SIX

ISABELLE DONOVAN
TUESDAY JUNE 21, 2022

Today is Tuesday, I think. I've been trying to keep track of the days the best that I can, but sometimes it gets a bit difficult, especially given how much I've been sleeping. I'm pretty sure today is Tuesday, which means today is the twenty-first of June: the summer solstice. It's the first day of summer and I'm missing it, held captive here in this cottage. I ask JD for a pencil and begin keeping tally marks on the wall behind the bed. Five tally marks, five days.

He still won't tell me why I'm here, but I've somehow begun to let go of my desire to know. Think of it this way: my burning desire to have answers is my weakness. It's something he can hold over me, taunt me with. I figured if I let go of this desire, then I am letting go of my weakness. The key to survival is to have nothing for him to hold over me. And sometimes that means having nothing at all.

Thus, I have given up asking questions. It gets me nowhere. I know he's not going to tell me anyways. It's his form on punishment for me. When I ask questions, it gets my hopes up. The other key to survival is not to have hope. Because when you have hope, it only gets crushed. As Shakespeare once said, "Expectation is the route of all heartache."

I spend my days thinking and envisioning. It sounds quite boring when you really think about it, but I promise you, it can prove to be somewhat entertaining. I imagine world's that don't exist. I create scenarios from nothing and allow my imagination to run wild. I scan through memories and pick points in time in which I'd like to travel to. I think about my childhood, high school, meeting Scott. I think about our wedding, getting Zeppelin, the miscarriage. I think about his infidelity and how it all fell apart. Why is it that while trapped in a room with infinite things to think about, my mind always goes back to Scott?

I guess the same could be said for my heart.

I could have anyone I want, essentially. I'm somewhat attractive. I have a good personality. I can be funny and entertaining to be around. So why is it that since my split with Scott, I've been by myself? Aside from my almost-date with Justin on Thursday. But I guess now we'll never know what could have happened. JD took that opportunity away from me.

Perhaps JD wants me for his own. He could be a secret admirer of sorts. I picture him standing outside of Bee Hive, watching me as I leave work in the evenings. He sits in his car and waits, taking notes on what I'm wearing, what I'm doing.

I miss Scott. I tell myself that I could have anyone I want, but the truth of the matter is, the only one I want is Scott.

I've done some unhealthy things to get over him. As well as to get under him. I probably should have cut him off cold turkey, but when you've known someone for half your life, it's a bit difficult to just pretend they never existed. Every single memory I have is with Scott. We grew up together, cultivated from teenagers to adults with each other. Every big milestone or celebration I experienced, Scott was by my side. I think it's safe to say that I'll never get over him. My heart belongs to him and him only. But just because I'm hopelessly head over heels in love with him and probably will be for the rest of my life, doesn't mean that I can be with him. He hurt me in the worst way possible, betrayal in its purest form. I cannot forgive something like that. And regardless of how badly I want to forget it all and push it in the past, I can't. Because every time I look at him, I picture him with someone else.

I didn't end things right away after the discovery. As hurt and shocked as I was at the news, I stayed with him until I could process things more. But we could only attempt to make it work for so long. And then six months ago, in January, only four short months since The Discovery, I knew I couldn't do it. I had let him get away with it for too long. I couldn't sleep in the same bed as him. I couldn't eat meals at the same table as him. Every time I looked at him, I envisioned him having sex with another woman and I felt nauseous.