My Story

I Feel...

I know this sounds silly but I'm kinda fed up of life. I've suffered over about 10+ years with some type of problem with my stomach, I get so sick. I get nauseous, gassy, and esp in the mornings I throw up.

All those years ago, I went to a doctor. We did every test under the sun, you can imagine how fed up I got. CT scans, endoscopy etc. it was insane, after the endoscopy I just gave up. I told my mum, "After this test I'm done." She agreed, she thought we'd find something, we never did.

I feel like dying at this moment with the kind of life I've been given. I know lots of people have bad lives and yes, they do. I'm tired of going to social events and being the only one having stomach pain while everyone else is having fun. I'm tired of being out of the sun and not being free. I'm tired of being afraid of everything. I need answers for every problem I've ever had.

I just hate myself, I went to one doctor that finally understood and I didn't tell him these things, I froze. I got nervous, I was afraid, cause that's damn me!

If I could go through with it,I'd be dead right now. The thing is that if I did go through it, I think of everyone. I die, my brother will follow (we are too close), my parents will divorce and my other bro will be the only other child left.

My thumb hurts every time I write a little. My knees are walking time bombs. My neck hurts all the time. My ankle has pained for so long I think it's normal just like my stomach problems. My other joints pain now and again but they do pain. I've always had my feet paining when I walk. I feel like sometimes, my grave should be dug cause I can't be normal.

I'm scared for school, I don't know what to think about PE. You guys must think I'm the most self-centered and annoying person ever. I complain all the time. This is my only let out. I write books and I felt like I was good but I don't think I can ever be good at anything ever.

I'm just useless, I feel like dying but I can't and could never do it. I want answers and I want it all to end. I know well in my religion that in paradise sickness will all be gone but sometimes you just wish it could come faster but slower all at the same time.