no escape (kave)

Chapter 22

Kurt was off- he was nervous everywhere he went. At any moment Kurt thought Courtney could say anything, more like make anything up that will shatter his image. He stayed quiet for as long as he could, he didn't want to release all the problems his ex-girlfriend gave him. Kurt had no issue with that- he would love to talk about all the shit she has put him through, but he was afraid of what she'd do if he were to do that.

Dave noticed his behavior and tried to ask Kurt about it. Kurt would say he felt sick and layed down instead. He became his same self, the same self that he was with Courtney; he was restrained, he couldn't say a word because all that surrounded him was fear.

The only good thing was that Dave made him feel free, but it was hard to be himself when he was in terrible state of mind for most of his days. He spent those days doing more drugs because once he felt pain it was an ongoing effect of where he felt pain creaking everywhere, through his bones and his head and he didn't want to put that pressure on Dave.

When their tour was close to ending, that's when the frontman felt at his worst. Courtney warned him and said he better get back with her by the end of the tour. It was odd because Kurt hadn't received any calls since that night, maybe Courtney is keeping quiet? Maybe she too felt threatned and didn't want Kurt to speak up about the abuse she caused. That or she moved on.

Kurt's guess was that she was hooking up when she could and living her life the best she could, with her anger still rotting inside of her and having it decay slowly, so slow she can still use it to make new music and let it effect her only when she wasn't around others.

The blond frowned thinking about the shitty boyfriend he'd been to Dave. He would try his best but most of the time he felt like crap and it would be taken out on him. He'd get quiet and not want to say a word, he wouldn't want to receive affection and would shoot up instead. He felt like he fucked up so much with the one person that gave him so much hope. Only because one other person decided to make it complicated, because some people can't be happy for others.

He wrote a note to Dave. He wasn't the best with talking about how he felt, because when he talked he'd give off the wrong impression and stumble on his words, he hated opening up and being afraid as well of what the other person would say.

In the note he apologized for being the "shittiest boyfriend" and said he'd hope to win an award for it and continued to explain how amazing of a person Dave was. He wrote that he didn't deserve Dave, he was too consumed with his own issues and they weren't allowing him to be happy. He apologized for doing that drug Dave wasn't happy he did, he said that he loved him so much and to not let his awful behavior being him down. And then of course he apologized again for that, the whole letter was a bunch of apologies and Dave deserving better.

Reading the letter broke Dave's heart, Kurt needed so much love and no matter what his boyfriend did, the drummer was going to nonstop support him. He had to stay strong for him, and he did throughout the tour. He did even when they weren't dating, Dave knew Kurt was a lot but he loved him unconditionally. He couldn't lose that precious being.

"Kurt? Can I talk to you?" Dave held the letter in his hands and folded it to a size that would fit into his pocket. His voice was calm in a way that would make Kurt feel safe. The singer was seated down in the bathroom floor, nodding quietly and opening the door, stepping out of there.

"Talk to me.." His blue eyes couldn't release anything else, he felt so damaged, his mind wouldn't be quiet anymore. He didn't want to ruin the only relationship that ever meant this much.

Dave stroked his blond hair that felt dirty and that had to be washed. He didn't know where to start, this was a heavy topic that slowly was breaking them apart.

"I try my best for you.. Listen, those days when you are in an awful mood and don't talk to me at all they can hurt, but I understand how you must be feeling and I try my best to help you. I don't like that you are using heroin, and you are doing more than you were doing before but I know you can get treated for that. You're not the shittiest boyfriend, you happen to be someone who has seen a lot of abuse and with what is happening right now it can be a lot-"

"How can you even accept that? Do you hear yourself? I am fucking awful! I i-ignore you Dave... I shoot up instead of being with you, I spend my days questioning everything and not loving the amazing love you try to give me. How is that okay? How?... How can you handle me? Dave, I appreciate your love for me but.. It's unfair. No matter what you say and may view me as, I will never be okay with how I treat you.." Kurt started to cry, Dave hugging him tightly and feeling his skinny body laying in his arms- he was losing more weight on top of this all. "I love you for not leaving me. I love you for attempting to put up with the way I am, I love you too much.. I don't want to do this to you anymore."

"Kurt, you can hurt but that doesn't mean you can't heal. I will be patient, it's not easy for the both of us but we will work through all of this. I don't want you to be in this state of mind, it's not fair to you. Allow me to accept you for what you've done.. we can't dwell on these things, if we do so we will never improve as a couple and as people. I believe you can get better, have the hope that you had in the beginning, remember how pure and uplifting it was, it felt like your world got so much better. I love you and starting today we are going to make changes."

Kurt felt better knowing Dave only wanted to heal and move foward. He didn't get stuck on the messed up stuff he did, he got stuck on wanting to avoid repeating it. He wanted it to be a healthy relationship for both of them, if not it wouldn't work out. Kurt felt a drop of hope, and even if it was little it made him forget about the ache he felt that never went away.

He pulled Dave in for a gentle kiss, being welcomed back into his loving lips instantly. They missed those moments of pure love, where they can share it and no one stopped them.