Chapter 48

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[Hello everyone! I am so sorry that I haven't been uploading but I am on holidays! Shadows is almost a year old! I can't believe how much we have grown and how much all of you are loving the story! Just know that after this book there will be a second and third book! Please keep commenting because I love to read it! Also, please vote!]

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I woke up because of the sun shining through the curtains. I felt the massive arms of Alec around me and when I turned myself slowly around, I saw that he was still asleep. He fluffy hair was just a bit on his forehead and he was softly snoring. I smiled as I saw it. I wish I could take a picture of it and keep it with me forever. I softly kissed his lips. I can't believe that he was mine. I was his girlfriend and he was my boyfriend.

My stomach turned upside down and made me feel sick when I realized that today was my mother's funeral. I sighed out softly and crawled closer to Alec. Today was a bad day and I knew that I was going to cry. I felt numb because I had no idea how to feel. Everything felt so mixed and messed up. I closed my eyes as some tears streamed down my face. I felt Alec moving slightly and I could feel his chin on my skull. He was awake.

"Clary?" Alec asked softly. His voice was deeper and it was cracking a bit. It was the most attractive thing about Alec. His morning voice. I nodded.

"Hmm." I said, afraid to say something because I knew he would be able to tell that I was crying. He held me tighter as if he knew I wanted that.

"What's wrong? Why are you crying?" He asked a bit worried. I looked up and saw his fluffy face. He wiped away my tears with his fingers as he still stared deeply in my eyes.

"Just... It's mum's funeral today." I mumbled softly as I bit my underlip to not cry again. The last day it was a rollercoaster. I don't know how my life could turn upside down in just a few hours.

"I am so sorry... She will be with the angels." Alec said softly and I just nodded, looking away from him. With his finger, he held my chin up so I would look at him again.

"You know that you can tell me anything and I will be here for you." He said and I nodded. Even if Alec and I were not romantically involved. He and I were parabatai. He knew I was struggling with a lot than just that.

"It sucks because I wanted more. I just got my mother back and I lost her already." I said softly as I sniffed. I cried softly again as he pressed his body against mine.

"Is my family cursed? Why couldn't we have a normal family?" I asked as I cried. I knew that Alec always hated it when I cried and I wouldn't have cried in front of him but it just hurts so much. I couldn't stop myself anymore.

Alec said nothing because he knew whatever he would say it wouldn't make me feel better. It wouldn't change anything that had happened. Alec just held tight on me and that's what I needed. I needed him to let me cry and for him to be there for me.

"I know that nothing I say will make it better but we will get through this together. I will always help you. I will help you up when you are down. I will do anything to make you smile again. Together we will always be stronger." He said and I smiled throughout my tears.

"Thank you." I whispered as I started to cry again. The pain I saw in his eyes when I broke down again. He quickly pulled me towards him and hugged me.

"Let's get ready." He said softly. Together we walked towards the bathroom. I showered as Alec was brushing his teeth and then we switched around. When I looked at myself, I got hurt. I looked horrible. My eyes were red and swollen. It was almost like my whole face was like that. Anyone would have been able to tell that I was crying.

"Euhm, Clary. Can you get me a towel?" Alec asked me. I turned myself around and saw his naked body facing me. From the way he was asking me, I thought he was shy but now that I faced him, he had a slight smirk on his face.

"Yes sure." I said, acting like I wasn't totally in shock seeing him naked. It was like a god was standing in front of me. He looked amazing. I took a towel from the drawer in my bathroom and walked towards him to give it to him. Alec was the whole time looking at me as if he was about to take me here and now.

"Here." I said softly as I gave him the towel. He held my hand with it which made me again look at him. I frowned and had a cheeky smile on my face. He pulled me closer to him and gave me a soft kiss.

"You should smile more often like this." He said when he pulled out of the kiss. I smiled and nodded my head.

"Just not today." I said softly and I saw something changing in his eyes. The sadness was back again which made me sigh but he quickly smiled again as he held my hands now.

"We all are here for you." He said and I nodded. As my towel was still surrounding my body, I managed to keep it up without holding it. I didn't want Alec to see me naked. Yet.

"Thank you and now get your naked ass away from here so I can change." I said and Alec looked a bit taken away when he heard what I said. He smiled as he nodded and walked with a towel with his hand out of the bathroom.

"I hope my brother is sitting in the room." I said and I saw him quickly turning around and giving me a glare before he put the towel around his hips. I laughed softly and locked the door behind me. I was again alone. Alone with my memories... I sighed and shook my head.

I had a white dress that I wanted to wear. When Shadowhunters die, they don't wear black but white which I think was beautiful. White was the colour of heaven. At least that's what I thought. I put my white dress on which was just above my knees. It was a simple white dress. Nothing more. I looked again at myself in the mirror.

"You can get through this." I said softly as I still looked at myself. I knew that I was convincing myself and I knew it wasn't working... I saw my tears again appearing in my eyes and before I even tried to stop it, my tears streamed down my cheeks. I will never get through this...

I wiped my tears away as I sniffed and brushed my hair quickly. It was already a bit dry so I just decided to leave it open. My curls were just a bit above my chest and I applied some creme on my face. I wasn't ready to put make up. I knew I was going to cry and it would make me look even more horrible than I would look now. It would be a total mess. A disaster...

"Clary, are you ready?" I heard Alec ask. I figured out that he was ready.

"Yes, I will come out in a bit." I said, before looking at myself again in the mirror. Where has that happy girl gone? It was like I was staring at my ghost... It didn't look like me or felt like me. I sighed and walked out of the bathroom where I saw Alec waiting. He was wearing a white suit and to be honest, he looked so good. Better than I thought he would be.

"Are you ready?" He asked me as he held his hand out. I walked over to him as I held his hand tightly and shook my head slowly.

"No." I whispered.

[This was again a kind of sad chapter... Prepare yourself for the next one... I think many of us have looked our reflection in the mirror telling ourselves that everything will be okay but end up breaking down... I want to say if you need help please tell anyone you trust. Just don't build it up ❤️ i love you all!]

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