If I'm Not In Love

40

I sighed heavily and shut my eyes tightly as I heard a knock on my door.

Kanina pa ko gising at wala lang akong lakas para bumangon at harapin si Troy ngayon. After what I did last night, I don't know how to face him!

We actually kissed like, really kissed! And its not the usual nor the kiss that we've practiced the last time. It was too long for that. Yung tipong knocked out ako after dahil sa muntik na akong maubusan ng hininga!

Mabilis akong nagtalukbong ng kumot nang marinig kong pumihit ang doorknob. I even shut my eyes tightly as if he could see my face through the thick blanket. Nervously, I held my breath as I listened to his footsteps. Pakiramdam ko tuloy, para akong nasa horror movie. Ang kaibahan nga lang, hindi ako nagtatago dahil papatayin ako, kundi, dahil sa kahihiyan sa ginawa ko kagabi. And yes, may hiya pa ring dumadaloy sa dugo ko, and only I just discovered that now.

“Lala..” Troy's gentle voice then reverberated followed by his light tap on the top of my head. “Bangon na, tanghali na..” he cooed.

Ayoko pa sanang bumangon at humarap sa kanya kung hindi ko siya kilala. Unfortunately, I know that he won't leave until I finally wakes up and come with him to eat breakfast. So I had no choice kaya dahan-dahan kong inalis ang kumot sa mukha ko atsaka naupo nang hindi tumitingin sa kanya. Hindi ako makatingin sa kanya kaya mabilis akong tumayo at tumakbo sa CR.

I heard him laughed kaya alam kong alam niya na agad kung anong iniisip ko. And this is the time when I wished he didn't knew me that well. Now I don't know what he thinks of me. Should I explain or something? Pero kapag nag-explain ako magmumukha akong defensive.

I groaned at sinabunutan ko ang sarili ko.

Ngayon lang ako nagkaganito! Hindi ko alam na magiging big deal ito sa akin! Bakit?! It's just Troy, my best friend! Hindi naman ako ganito nung hinalikan ko si Ethon na first kiss ko!

Leaning my back against the wall, I shut my eyes tightly.

My heart's thumping frantically and I know what's the cause of it.

Huminga ako ng malalim bago ako nagmumog at naghilamos ng mukha. I usually don't comb my hair after I woke up kaya hindi ko na ginawa. Hindi ko na rin pinatagal pa ang tingin sa salamin dahil ayoko nang mag-isip pa.

Kinakabahan man, lumabas na ako ng bathroom ko at hinarap si Troy. “Anong breakfast?” kaswal na tanong ko.

Troy raised his eyebrows on me with a little grin on his lips, “Egg and fried rice”

Pagkadinig ko sa ‘egg’, napasinghap ako at nanlaki ang mga mata sa kanya, “Bawal sayo yon!” I said in alarmed tone, “Bakit ginalaw mo yung itlog? 'Di ba sinabi ko saying wag na wag mong hahawakan yon?!” sinabi ko habang sinasamaan na siya ng tingin.

Instantly, I forgot my dilemma. Napalitan ng inis ang kaba ko at gusto ko siyang sabunutan sa katigasan ng ulo niya.

If he knew me like the back of his hand, It's vice versa.

Alam kong nagke-crave siya sa itlog at hindi niya kayang pigilang kumain kapag may nakikita siya. Ang problema, kung gaano kalakas ang cravings niya dito, ganun din katindi ang epekto ng allergy sa kanya kaya naman sobrang bantay kami sa pagkain niya.

Troy smiled widely at me na mas kinais ko. I was about to reprimand him pero naunahan niya akong magsalita. “Walang laman ang ref mo at matatagalan kung pupunta ako ng palengke. I don't want you to get hungry when you wake up and I saw the eggs. I kept my promise, Lala, except for touching it, of course,” he said softly.

Just like that, nawala lahat ng inis ko. Napabuntong-hininga ako saka tumango sa kanya.

He's.. perfect.

I shook my head and marched out of my room. Nagpatiuna akong bumaba at pumunta sa kusina dahil ayokong makita niya ang reaksyon ko. Immediately, I sat on my chair and started digging in without waiting for him to sit across me. Pero napatigil ako sa pagnguya nang ma-realize kong wala siyang kakainin.

“I just had my coffee,” sinabi niya na parang nabasa ang iniisip ko.

I sighed for the nth time.

That breakfast was awkward. It was the first time that I felt it because I'm a confident person. However, I didn't think much about it and just focused on whatever Ethon is up to. Kanina kasi, eksaktong pagkauwi ni Troy, tinawagan ako ni Ethon. I felt more curious than excited about it, dahil hindi naman siya tumatawag ng ganoong kaaga. Usually, he calls me at night, kapag patulog na at hindi naman palagi. He'd just preferred texting kasi nga tahimik siyang tao while Troy and Nico always bothers me with their constant unnecessary calls.

Napailing ako.

Nakatitig lang ako sa orasan simula pa kanina pagkatapos ng tawag ni Ethon. I was wondering what could be the posible thing he wanted to ask me kaya gusto niya kaming pupunta sa may river side kung saan ako unang nagconfess sa kanya.

My heart was pumping erratically and I haven't been this nervous before. Ang dami kong mga sentence na inisip habang naghihintay dito sa meeting place namin.

The sunset was starting to set kaya hindi na masyadong mainit ang four-thirty. Five ang usapan namin at gusto niyang sunduin ako sa bahay pero tumanggi ako. Mas lalo lang kasi akong kakabahan kung magkasama kaming pupunta dito at ayoko non.

I took a deep breath as I've watched the sun sets in front of me. I have never really liked it, but it's still fascinating to see more than the sunrise.

Smiling, I looked down on my hands and played with my fingers. Hindi ko alam na napakatagal maghintay ng thirty minutes kapag kinakabahan ka.

“Here I thought I'm early,” Ethon chuckled and stood on my left. “Are you that curious?”

Hindi ako sumagot o tumango man lang. I just took a glance on him and shifted my gaze back to the sunset.

“It's been awhile since the last time I went here..”

Mabilis akong napalingon kay Ethon dahil sa sinabi niya.

He smiled as he saw my reaction. “I stopped when I started courting you. I thought of spending time with you, instead of staying here alone”

I bit my bottom lip as my heart filled with emotions.

Now I know how it feels like to be the leading lady in movies, huh.

“Leila..” he called.

Lalong bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko nang humarap siya sa akin at hinawakan ang mga kamay ko. And those gentle gaze makes my heart ache.

“Do you have any of idea what it is that I wanna ask you?” he asked softly.

I want to pretend that I don't have any. But I have read too many books and watched too many movies to not realize what it is. Wala man akong experience sa love and relationship, alam kong magyayaya na siyang maging boyfriend ko, finally.

This is it, right?

The moment I have been waiting for. Nasa kamay ko na. It's on me now kung magkaka boyfriend na ba ako ngayon o hindi.

We stared at each other for a few moments before he speaks again while staring straight into my eyes, “Leila Guzman, will you be my girlfriend?”

But sadly, I wished he didn't ask, for his question made me cry as much as my heart does.

This doesn't feel right.

I dreamed of this and in my dreams, it feels magical. Like how our kisses were supposed to be. Like how our first date should be. And like how my heart beats thumped wildly only because of excitement and not anything else.

This ain't right for I don't feel any of those.

As much as I wanted to have a boyfriend, I know I would make a big mistake if I say yes. So, even though it breaks my heart.. I stepped back, pulled my hands away from his grip and shook my head.

“I'm sorry..”

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A/N: This is the last chapter. Thank you for reading until this end! ♥