𝐬𝐚𝐮𝐝𝐚𝐝𝐞 → 𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐰𝐧 𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐬 (𝐢𝐢)

thirty-three [s]

wednesday,
june 19th, 2020

SHAWN MENDES

"You good man?" Andrew asks from the seat beside me in the plane.

I sigh with a frown. Truth is, no, I'm not good. At all. I played Smukfest in Denmark two days ago and it was... awful. I was distracted the entire time and I tried my best to give the fans what they wanted and deserved, but I had a tough time focusing. Honestly, this whole Jade situation is messing with my anxiety.

Thankfully, we've had the last two days to relax and explore Denmark but I spent most of my time in my hotel room. Trinity texted me when she could and I appreciated that a lot. I haven't told her I'm feeling like this, but I am completely stressed out of my mind. The anticipation to hear the results is gnawing away at me and I know myself that it isn't healthy. I haven't even been eating properly.

As of now, the team and I are on a night flight to Milwaukee for my next festival on the 22nd, Summer Fest.

"I'm not ready to be a dad..." I whisper to Andrew, conscious of anybody overhearing. He's the only one out of everybody on the team that knows about my current dilemma.

I think this is the first time I've fully admitted that to anybody. In fact, Trinity and Andrew are the only people who even know about Jade's pregnancy. I haven't told my parents. It'd make it far too real, realer than it is already. If I have to tell them that she's pregnant, I'll do it when I know for sure I'm the dad.

Andrew exhales and pats my shoulder, "Is this what's been stressing you out? You've been really quiet lately."

I shrug, "I guess... I dunno. I can't stand the thought of not being with Trinity, and I know that if I am the father, then the chances of us being together are very slim."

"I suppose it's all real shitty timing huh?" Andrew mumbles, shooting me a sympathetic look, "Look, I'm really sorry you're stuck in such a situation. It's awful. But I think you need to put off receiving the results."

"What?" I splutter, looking at him like he's insane. Right now, he seems to be borderline crazy.

He sighs, "Shawn, what are you gonna do if you're the dad and you still have a few shows to perform? Your emotions are going to get way more entangled in your career if you get those results in a few days. I genuinely think it's safer to put them off a while. Maybe even see them for yourself, in person? Wouldn't you feel more comfortable doing that?"

I groan, stuffing my head in my hands and shaking my head. Would I prefer to do that? Postpone seeing the results and instead wait until I'm home in Toronto to see them? Between Andrew's speculation about Jade lying and Trinity's warning to be careful, I find myself leaning towards my manager's suggestion. I guess it would be safer to see the results with my own two eyes and put them to the back of my mind for the rest of the festival run. For my fans' sake, for my sake.

"Maybe you're right..." I mutter, running my hands through my disheveled hair and squeezing my eyes shut.

"It's your choice, Shawn, but I think trying to forget the world outside your little festival bubble for a while sounds more than appealing."

I nod my head slowly, "Yeah, you're right. I'll uh... I'll text Jade when we land."

***

Landing in Milwaukee is quiet and calm due to the early hour. We retrieve our baggage and file into cabs to get to our hotel. We're not utilising the tour bus for the festival run as most of our destinations are pretty spread out and require flights rather than bus travel.

Once I'm settled in my hotel room, I pull out my phone and shoot Jade a short message.

Shawn:
I'm gonna focus solely on my shows until I'm back home in Canada. I'll see the results then, you don't need to call me when you get them.

I breathe a heavy sigh of relief, feeling a weight lift itself off my tense shoulders. To relax further, I have a hot shower. I stand under the waterfall head for a good thirty minutes before wrapping a towel around myself and grabbing my toiletries from my suitcase. I brush my teeth and then shave my jaw and chin for the first time in a week. I towel dry my hair with a nearby hand towel and then return to the main area of the hotel room.

I pick my phone up from the bed and am slightly surprised to see that Jade's responded. It's around 6am in Toronto. Then again, she needs to travel from Brampton to the city for college.

Jade:
Sounds good. Let me know when you're home.

I release a puff of air and leave her on read before scouring through my case for some boxer briefs. I drop my towel and pull them up my legs before hanging my towel up in the bathroom to dry. I then crawl into the king sized hotel bed. The mattress is firm but I melt into it. I'm exhausted. Before closing my eyes, I send Trin a quick message that she'll see in a couple hours.

Shawn:
  Missing you more than you can imagine.

***

When I wake up, it's 4pm. I quickly call Mike to see where everybody is. He tells me that everyone has just woken up in the last hour and they're planning to head out for an early dinner. We agree to meet in the lobby at half four and I take a few minutes to stretch after I hang up the phone.

I dress myself in a half-button, turquoise shirt and black jeans. I pull on my white Vans, ruffling my hair up. It's gone crazy because I fell asleep when it was wet, and now it's bone dry with no product in it. I leave the unruly curls be, finding my cologne protected by hoodies in my suitcase. I spray my neck and chest which pokes out from the unbuttoned shirt. I groggily brush my teeth again before grabbing my phone and wallet.

I smile when I notice I've got a reply from Trinity.

Trin:
  i miss you too. 16 days right? <3