It's Not Cool | Jonas Brothers

Chapter 33

Kevin's P.O.V.
Nick has been on edge during lunch. It's quiet and awkward during lunch. The silence could be cut with a knife.

Nick feels like he can save himself from everything. From the demons in front of her to the demons in her mind.

Nick doesn't realise that he can't.

Danielle has to go for a small check up to the hospital. She promised me that it was okay for me to miss out on, because she promised her parents she would let them take her to at least one of her appointments. I wanted to go with her, but she assured me she was fine and wanted me to focus on Nick and Pippa.

I don't deserve her. She's the sweetest, the cutest and the best. She loves me and I love her so much. I can't imagine my life without her. She's carrying our first child. She means the world to me and I hope I mean the world to her.

Nick sits at the kitchen counter, staring into nothingness.

I walk around him, getting myself a snack. He doesn't even move and he's not startled by my actions. He's turned into a statue. He's turned himself off. Not to feel anything. To be numb.

"Nick?" I wave my hand in front of his face.

"What?" He jumps from the sudden hand in front of his face.

"Nothing. Just checking if you are still alive." I give him a worried glance.

"I'm okay." I huff skeptically. "Are you? Are you okay, Nicky?" He gives me a glare for the baby naming.

"I'm fine, Kevin." He looks up at me.

"So you weren't the one Joe found with cuts last night?" I ask him trying to bore my eyes through his to read his mind.

He sighs. "Yeah, he did. But.." "but what Nick?" I cut him off.

"Never mind. All you're doing is getting angry with me and I don't want that." I sigh and sit down as well, lowering myself to his level to not intimidate him as much.

"I'm not angry, Nick. I'm just worried. You're obviously going through a lot and I hate that I can'r help you with it." He shakes his head.

"I'm sorry for freaking out." Now I shake my head. "You don't have to be sorry for freaking out. I'd rather have you freak out, because when you freak out, I can hold you and talk to you. But when you do the other thing, I'm at a loss. I don't know how to help you with that and it's scary. It's scary to see you go through that and it's scary, because I don't want to lose you." I explain.

"I'm sorry." I chuckle "You've always been the one to apologize the most for things that you don't have to apologize for. You're allowed to feel the feelings you have. You can't help them and you need to show them instead of bottling them up. That's not healthy and you know that." Nick nods in response.

I continue. "I can't imagine the pain you are feeling right now, but it's so much that you feel like you should cut yourself. And you do." Way to point out the obvious. Good going Kevin. "And I don't know what to do with that. I've never had someone close to me who did that to themselves and for as far as I know, neither have you. We're both drawing a blank here. I don't know about you, but I'm trying my hardest to understand you and I want to help you. It hurts that you rather go to a blade then talk to one of us. Whether it's mom, dad, Joe or even Frankie. I know you used to talk to Pippa and you used to talk to me, but you haven't talked at all and that frightens me. I'm afraid that one day, I might lose you to something like this. Whether you do it to yourself or someone does it to you and I don't know how to feel about that. You're my little brother. I love you."

Nick is crying. My doing. "I'm sorry." He apologizes again.

"Do you really need me to hold another speech?" I lightly respond. He laughs and wipes his eyes. "No, no, it's fine."

He looks down to his hands and plays around with his fingers and his ring.

"I haven't seen anyone go through something that I'm going through right now. I am drawing a blank. I.. sometimes I feel so numb that it feels like all I can do to feel something, is to do this." He motions towards his wrists. I listen intently as he continues. "It frightens me too, knowing the real harm I'm doing to myself and I'm scared that one day I will go too far without me wanting to go too far. I'm scared, Kev. I'm so scared of myself and I don't know what to do." He's sobbing by the end.

"I miss her." He says after a little while. I hadn't moved. Hoping he'd continue and tell me more, because I need him to tell me what's going through him. What is it that makes him do this himself? Is it something we did? Or is it something we can help him with? Something we hadn't known about.

"I miss her too. She'll come back when she's ready." I tell him. "Will she? Because she's much more stubborn than you, Tank, Joe and I combined." That's true. She is way more stubborn. If she believes in something, she won't let go until you've got prove or grounded reasons for a different opinion.

"She'll be back, Nick. We'll find her and she'll come home once we find her. You're 21 and she's turning 19 tomorrow. I know you've lived on your own and I know she can too, but she won't be able to do anything because as soon as she does anything that is traceable, we'll figure it out. She can't move countries, she can't use any cards to pay, nothing, because the police is going to track her right now. Dad just took care of that. She's been missing for at least 48 hours now. They'll be on the look for her and as soon as the fans know, everyone will be looking for her in an instant and she knows that." Nick nods in response.

"We'll get her back." He smiles a small smile.