Station 11

cinquante et un.

Hansol was becoming our friend. He was practicing with us, sitting at lunch with us or was spending time in one of the rooms. We all liked him, liked his jokes and the atmosphere around him was always really calm, it was enjoyable. He was now with us for five weeks.

And for five weeks Junhui was gone. A part of me was happy that I was slowly getting over him, my mind was not filled with only Junhui. But another part of me was forcing myself to think about him. But I couldn't anymore. I was slowly forgetting the way he touched me. I couldn't clearly remember how my lips felt everytime he kissed me. And it was harder to recall, how my heart was racing everytime he looked into my eyes.

Mingyu had to stay with me again, as the other boys were going back to their rooms after dinner.

"So, what do you think about Hansol. He likes to write rap lyrics as a hobby. So you can imagine how much Jihoon loves him", Mingyu started the conversation and made me laugh. 

"That sounds pretty cool. And I do really like him. He seems so relaxed all the time", I told him and leaned back, making eye contact with the nurse who was watching us.

"Kinda weird for a person for an anxiety disorder, don't you think?", he asked me.

"Hm, I don't really know. I thought these panic attacks start, when he is feeling uncomfortable", I wondered and looked back at Mingyu.

"Maybe. But I'd like to know when he gets nervous or uncomfortable. I don't want to be the reason for his breakdown. That would be terrible", he sighed and his eyes seemed glued onto his empty plate.

"Mingyu, I feel like you are trying to distract yourself from something", I changed the topic, after following his gaze.

"Oh? What? No, I am just curious about Hansol", Mingyu's chuckle made it obvious that he was lying.

"Ok, fine", he sighed again. "Everone was always telling me I am not healthy enough yet and that it takes very long for me to recover. And then I see how fast you are recovering. I am a little jealous. And it's weird to see my body getting bigger again and everyone is telling you that it's not enough. I have amazing memories from this place, but I also need to get back to the real world. We all need to. And seeing that Junhui is apparently fine now, it's even weirder that we aren't", Mingyu had tears in his eyes.

"Mingyu", I didn't know what to say. "Look, maybe my body is looking healthier, but that doesn't really mean that I am recovering. My mind is still a huge mess. I know that you are desperate, just try a little to work harder. I know that you can do that and very soon you will be walking towards the exit of that hospital, looking back with a smile for the last time and then leaving together with your favourite memories", I didn't really know what I was talking about. I was mentioning the things that I wanted to do. How I wanted to leave.

"That sounds nice. But eating is still such a hard thing to do. No, it's not the eating itself. It's more the thoughts that come up in my head, everytime the fork with food on it touches my tongue", the tone in Mingyu's voice made it clear that he knew that I could completely understand what he was saying.

"I know, I am scared of giving you the wrong advice. Did you talk about that with your therapist?", I asked him. I knew that I was the only anorexic patient that Dr. Nam had. He must've had another one.

"Many times. He helps me a lot. It was even worse before I came here. But one time he said it was still a long road to recovery", Mingyu started playing with his fingers. He didn't like the situation he was in.

"Your therapist knows what's the best for you. Don't rush yourself. We are still talking about your health", I put my hand onto his shoulder and tried to calm him down.

He nodded and soon the nurse was coming to tell us that we could leave. On the way to our rooms, I stopped in front of his door and turned around, as he was opening the door.

"Did you talk about that with Wonwoo", I whispered and Mingyu slowly closed the door again. He shook his head and looked onto the floor.

"He doesn't understand. He tried to be helpful, but has no idea how. I mean, I don't mind that, it's obvious that he doesn't understand my way of thinking like you do. You have the same problem as me. Well, I need to go back in. Thanks, for taking the time to talk to me. It was relieving", he said and I gave him a little smile.

Chan was probably in a session, as our room was empty. I layed down on my bed and closed my eyes. I didn't tell Mingyu how jeaolous I was, that the person he loved so much, was still with him. That he didn't leave without saying anything. That he was still a great source of support. But this time it wasn't about me. Everyone in the rooms next to me was struggling with their lives. All of us in here needed help. I wanted to be proud of Junhui, for making it through all of this, but it was so hard. I still loved him, I just hated the feeling of being betrayed by him.
It was too early to go to sleep now. So I decided to stay in bed and think about everything. Junhui, myself, the others, mum, the world outside of these walls. Until my eyes got heavier and I was slowly falling asleep.

Wassup!
I am back and here to tell you that this school year is finally over! It was a great year and I am really thankful for everything. So afer a 6 week break I will finally have my last school year omg. Let's see if this story will be completed by then.:)
See you,
Mel