Ecdysiast || PJM 🔞

Chapter 43: Advice from the Past

Lee Jiwon's POV

Running and running as I moved away from the busy streets of the city. Crying and panting, my aching feet brought me to a place of which I have no idea anymore. All I know is that I'm far from the club ㅡ far from Jimin.

My tracks slowly ended as my pace decreased. I could feel myself gasping for air. I rested my hand on my bent knees for awhile and eventually continued walking absent mindedly on the road. No one was really passing by the place and it seemed so sad and dark just like what I feel inside.

I continued my walk with my mind starting to flashback on the day when Jimin proposed to me.

"I can't marry you, Jimin. I'm sorry," my voice cracked on the last syllable as I stared away from him. I couldn't look at him knowing that I've done something stupid for myself. I know this is a selfish decision. I love him dearly but how can I love him fully if I can't love myself like how he loves me?

"W-what?" He panicked, standing up from the ground. I finally found some courage to meet his eyes which were telling me how much confused he was from my response. I know he was expecting. He's my first in everything, how could I even say no? "Baby, what's wrong? Did I do something wrong?" His voice sounded afraid.

"It's not you but it's me," I sighed. "Jimin, I need to fix myself. I love you but I think I need to love me too. I'm sorry but I can't marry you. Not yet, Jimin. Not yet."

"But Jiwonㅡ"

"I just can't, Jimin. And the only way that I can let myself heal is to be away from you. You make me feel loved but when you are away," I sobbed, showing my wounded wrist at the same time. His eyes softened but he's shocked at the same time. "When you're away, I hate myself even more. Jimin, I cannot fully heal when I'm with you. You may have mended me when we met, but now is a different case. I'm really sorry but I can't marry you now." I ran away immediately after explaining to him.

He tried chasing me but there was a taxi passing by that made me escape immediately away from him.

A loud sound of a car's horn pushed me back to reality. As my conciousness awakened my senses, I realized that a bright light coming from a car was coming towards me really fast. My body froze and I was left looking at the car. I felt numb all over that I didn't care anymore if I'll die a painful death but one thing is for sure ㅡ I was happy seeing my own death getting near me.

My body laid down on the cold cement when my knees as if lost their bones. I don't feel anything. Maybe my body just became numb from all the pain thatㅡ

"My gosh, miss are you okㅡ Jiwon?" A man asked as he jogged, going near me. I stared at his figure, trying to make out who the person was but the light behind him was making it difficult for me to see.

"Chanyeol?" My voice trembled. I don't know how to react and what to feel after meeting him after months since our 'break up'. He helped me stand up and he immediately sat me inside his car.

"Are you okay?" He asked, concerned.

"I'm not going to lie anymore because I look like shit. But I'm worse than not okay, thank you for asking," I said with my voice having no any hints of humor. "Mind sharing me what happened?" He asked.

I sighed. "Can I spend the night in your house?" I asked. He looked taken aback for awhile but he eventually nodded in agreement.

***

"Here," he handed me a glass of red wine with some ice. "Spill the tea."

I clear my throat. "Okay, first of all, I want us to be clear. Be honest. Have you already moved on from me?" He only raised his eyebrow. "I mean, you seem okay now but what if I'm wrong?" I shrugged and sipped some of my wine.

"It's been months. I'm over it plus I found someone," he proudly said but he suddenly looked shy while blushing. Okay, I think something weird has happened to him. Like that kind of weird is something you can't imagine that will happen to him.

Chanyeol is a manly man, but he's a soft person too.

"Who's the lucky girl?" I drank some wine again and as I drink, he told me something that made me choke on it. "Lucky 'guy' not 'girl', Jiwon." Chanyeol smiled enthusiastically, correcting my statement.

My chest felt tight from choking that I kept on coughing non stop for some moments. "You're gay?!" I exclaimed, shocked from the news.

"Uh, I guess?" He shrugged but he flashes me his sweet smile again and showed me a pretty boy on his phone. "I just met him last month and his name is Baekhyun."

I hummed and nodded, staring at the boy on his phone screen. "He's cute," I commented, finally recovered from shock.

He giggled. "Maybe that's why I was so unlucky with my hetero relationships because I was meant to be in a homo one."

I couldn't help but smile knowing that he has moved on from me and that he is happy again. I'm just so glad that what I did to him didn't affect him a lot because if that really happened, I don't even know how I would ever forgive myself.

"Going back to the real topic, why are you crying and walking in the middle of the road?" He sipped on his wine. I sighed before telling him the whole story from the day Jimin proposed until today.

"One word for you," he plainly said, looking stressed and frustrated from my story. I can't blame him, my life is a whole messed up pile of shit, of course that's frustrating. "What?" I asked, bored.

"Stupid!" He sighed. "Your rejection was acceptable but not letting him explain to you earlier, that's wrong! Jiwon, you should never jump into conclusions immediately without having enough proofs to support your statement! What if he was just super drunk and the alcohol made him hallucinate since all he thinks of is you? That's a possible case, Jiwon. Or if not hallucination, he was clueless about what was happening, again, because of alcohol. And you both should've at least cleared what was going on so that you didn't have to break up!"

"I just can't help but to think that he doesn't want me anymore!" I started crying.

Sometimes, I just can't understand myself anymore. It's tiring to laugh and cry and hide your feelings from people. I want to be okay, but why can't I? I've done things as recommended but I see no progress or if there is, I myself can't even feel it.

"Somehow, I know that I'm a part of the things that made you depressed," he said with an upset face. "You started becoming quiet when we had sex for the first time. You might think that I didn't notice but I really did. But only, I thought you wanted to clear your mind. Honestly, I feel bad even if I touched you with your permission." He sipped on his wine.

"Exactly the point, Chanyeol. You have nothing to do about this. It's my own choice. I made myself like this and I have to fix it myself too."

"You were broken and I promised to mend you but I failed. Speaking as a friend and not as your past lover, I still am disappointed for not being able to help you while you were with me but only made you break more. But again, you're right. You are the only person who can help yourself escape from the hell in your mind."

Silence surrounded the both of us for awhile and only our breathing and the clinking of glass and ice heard. I sighed, recovering from my tears. "I want to be me again."

Chanyeol smiled. "I support you from your journey to happiness but real happiness in love is if you don't let him go. He's the right person and even if the timing is not good, your Mr. Right will stay until the right time comes. I wish you both happiness but you guys clearly need to talk and clear things out."

"You're right." I sighed. "And I wish you too happiness with him. An angel like you deserves it." I raised my glass towards him. "Cheers?" He warmly smiled and toasts our glasses of wine together as he said, "Cheers."