Kabanata 49
The dawn had begun to dress the sky with a shade of red and orange. Slowly, I rose from the bed and glanced at my side. He wasn't beside me anymore. I wondered if he had slept last night? The last thing I remembered was the words he just spoke last night. I didn't retort, nor did I make any form of response. Instead, I tried my best to get asleep. The topic was still excruciating and I couldn't endure the pain anymore. Dwelling on the past wasn't a good idea but I needed to come to wander around my dark days to enlighten Antoine about it. I knew I'd made him bleed and cry and the guilt was slowly and painfully creeping on my body.
Hearing Antoine blaming himself wasn't good. He wasn't aware of my situation and I knew that my action had escalated it. I washed my face to remove the unwanted particles on my face before leaping out of the bed. My time of being asleep seemed infinitesimal. I trudged out of the room and smelled the palatable food assaulted my nostrils. I didn't know if this was because I hadn't had the appetite to eat last night but I found myself walking, following that smell. I was certain that Antoine was cooking our breakfast. I wondered what time he did wake up. I looked at the digital clock he had in the living area and it was still five in the morning. This was very important to him, I thought. And of that, I felt the electrifying guilt bolt throughout my body. I couldn't imagine him looking at the grave of our son. I knew that the guilt he was feeling will escalate and it would end up blaming himself again.
My throat immediately ran dry when I saw his naked back; effortlessly flexing because of what he was doing— making the rocks and rippling muscles to show on his back. My eyes travelled down to the part when the spine and buttocks met and saw the twin dimples on to it. I bit my lower lip when my eyes asked for more. He was totally hot with his boxers on. I sidled toward him. I made sure that I did not make any noise to rivet his attention, however, when he glanced at me, my movement came to a halt. I didn't know exactly what would I do and why did I go near him. His eyes were like the colour and aura of a storm— beautiful yet dangerous but at the same time, solemn. There was a sable emotion that kept on twirling on his eyes. I knew what the reason of it. I stifled and opted to just act normally and walked to slump on the chair.
"Morning," he said in a low drawl.
"Morning," I retorted, "Did you sleep well?"
I knew my question was a ridiculous question. Damn it!
He shook his head and looked back at the food he was cooking, "No. I didn't. I am pondering about your struggles without me."
I cast a weary smile, "Don't be sorry about it. Wala kang kasalanan doon. That was my choice."
He turned off the stove and ambled to my part. He leaned at my back, propping his hands at my both sides. My heart wallowed against my chest. Nakatalikod ako sa kaniya ngunit nakatagilid ang ulo para matignan laman siya. He looked at me with soulful eyes. His ocean-blue eyes seemed to change colour when he downed his gaze. He was so handsome with his expression. However, it pained me so much. Kahit hindi niya sabihin, I could feel the superiority of melancholy on his expression.
"I'm so sorry for being alone, baby..."
Sumasakit ang puso ko. Should I accept him already? Having Antoine in my side would break the fate intended for me. I was born to be alone and to be melancholic. And to have Antoine will be the reason to push me to exceed the brink of happiness and contentment. This fear was stemmed from the dark past I was trying to bury. I wanted to whack myself because I wanted him so badly but I was afraid of the possible consequences of it. It was my bad to accuse him based only on his history. I just didn't know to handle a relationship and this fervent feeling for him. I loved him and I will always be.
