Kabanata 41
I lost my baby in my classroom. That thought burnt the formed heart of affectionate mother within me. All I had to do to alleviate the pain was to starve and locked myself in my room. I tried to commit suicide— actually I had done it enormous times but my friends were always there to stop me. During my dark days, I was always in my room and was trying to hurt myself physically by slicing my skin of my wrist. I could feel the blood dribbling down to my feet. This way was my retribution for any sin I had done why I was facing all this pain.
For a mean time, I want it to feel okay again; I want to be the Hera few months ago. Because right now, I had nothing left with me. I was burdened with pain and all I though was to kill myself by throwing blames out of the debacle I had been through. Why did I have to experience all this pain? Why the people I treasure the most did had to leave me? Was I unworthy for their love?
All my mournful days were bounced as though I wasn't interested of living. Each passing days, I would always ask Him why. The diminutive hopes of Him answering my question stayed within me. I wanted an answer of all the queries whirling on my head. But then, I hadn't received any response from Him. I know I should not be angry with Him but I couldn't help it. The darkness of pain had fully-consumed me and I could even spit words of question His power and His love for His creation— for His children. But then, one morning, I left light and nothing heavy within my chest, my perception of things had changed and I had realized to look at the bigger picture and don't point all the blames on Him.
What Ronan told me before when we were in the morgue assaulted my head like a bullet shot by the assassin. Pain will craft me to be stronger and tougher.
Due to the mercy of my adviser, I was excused to attend my internship. But even I wasn't excused, I will never attend again. All I could remember was the spewing blood from me. The red made me dizzy at the same time made my heart clench. Our adviser talked to me when will I be able to attend my internship but I had answered her what I had decided. I won't continue teaching. It reminded me of my lost child. My angel.
"But, hija, you are almost there." she would say.
"I am sorry, Ma'am. I won't... I can't."
She sighed, "You are very bright woman, Hera. And I know you will be a great teacher in the future. All your professors were admiring you. If you can't really attend for your final demonstration teaching, I will talk to your professor for that subject. Maybe she can give you a passing grade—"
"Ma'am, no need. I don't need a grade out of mercy—"
"Hera, as what I said. You are very bright woman. You will be of great asset in teaching arena. This predicament of yours is very hard for you right now and I understand it."
"But, ma'am—"
She smiled as she cut my supposed objection, "No buts. You will graduate and I will wait you in the teaching arena, anak."
After her sentence, she emerged from my house. But then, even I was passed in my internship, I didn't attend to my graduation day. Wala akong gana. I didn't want to make a mess in their most awaited moment. What was the worth of my diploma and medals if only a little scrap of my heart was beating and the rest had gone defunct? However, my friends went to my house and gave my diploma to me.
Almost two years in La Virgen, I was still mourning for my loss. I realized that living in my domicile had never been good to me since I lost all my loved ones. All my days in La Virgen seemed to make me flaccid.
I was awake from my tormenting trance. Hindi ko namamalayan na umiiyak na pala ako. To reminisce what had happened in La Virgen was a doing I will never do again. It was so painful and fatal; I could even hear the ripping of my heart again. I lost all the people I loved— even Antoine but he was alive and yet was happy with other girls. I forced myself to get asleep as early as I can because I still have an early interview with the CEO of Villareal State Builder!
