Close Your Eyes: Book Four

Chapter Nineteen

And I'm crying hard now, partially because of my relationship with my Mom, but mostly in mourning of the little girl who had everything ripped away from her.

I find my way to my feet, stuffing the two pictures into the pocket of my sweatpants. I stumble upstairs and into the bedroom. Everyone is still outside, but the laughter has stopped.

I stuff my feet into some shoes and grab the keys to the truck, leaving my purse and phone and everything.

I run downstairs with tears blurring my vision and start the truck.

The engine is loud and there's no way they don't hear it turn on.

I throw it into reverse and go backing out of the driveway, flying down the street.

_______

I shut off the headlights in the driveway and get out of the truck, checking the time on the radio before I turn off the engine.

12:04AM

I stumble up the path to the front door and ring the bell, pulling the picture out of my pocket as I wait.

I begin crying again, because I don't know where I went wrong.

How did I get to this point?

I hear the deadbolt slide and I look up when the door opens.

My Mom stands there, her hair is down from it's usual bun, and she's wearing her pajamas.

And that's when I break.

I wrap my arms around her body like a child afraid of the dark, and I just start sobbing.

"Savannah." She shuts the door and hugs me back, running her hands through my hair.

"What's going on?" My Dad asks.

"I don't know." My Mom whispers to him.

Part of me expects her to pull away, but she doesn't.

She just stands there and holds me while I cry.

We stand there so long that my feet start to hurt, and when I begin to calm down, she takes me to the kitchen and starts to boil some water.

My Dad is wearing his pajama pants with SpongeBob on them, and if I wasn't hysterical right now, I would probably be laughing.

I put my arms on the table and rest my forehead against them, shutting my eyes.

After a few minutes, the teapot starts to scream. It stops after a moment. A minute or so of silence passes, and then I hear a spoon clanking against glass, and then something is set down on the table in front of me. I hear the chair next to me scrape out, and then a hand touches my back.

But she doesn't say anything, and that makes me look up.

She looks concerned, watching me, but she doesn't ask. She doesn't press.

To be honest, I don't know why I'm here.

I run my fingers through my hair and wipe at my eyes, grabbing the cup of tea she set in front of me. I take a sip, wincing when it burns my throat.

And I sit there and stare at the milky substance, and then it clicks.

"When I was eight years old, the only thing I wanted was to grow up," I whisper. "I wanted to be a grown up. That was my dream. I want a good job and a big house and a husband who loved me, and kids. I wanted kids. And then I was kidnapped, and I just-" I start crying again, and when I look at my Mom, she has tears in her eyes, but she's trying to act strong. My Dad sits down beside me. "I was forced to grow up when I wasn't ready, even though I thought I wanted it. But at that time, I didn't realize what I wanted was everything I missed. Yes, I wanted to grow up, but I didn't want to skip years, I just wanted to be an adult. I still wanted to experience everything. I wanted to be fourteen and go to a stupid Halloween party. I wanted to deal with acne and stress over my outfits at school. I wanted the boyfriend drama and the friend drama and all the arguments people had in middle school, but it was all taken away from me, and I think, and god knows I owe him everything, but I think that's why I turned to Liam. I trusted him, and he was somebody who could make me feel like I didn't miss anything. But tonight, I was having a bonfire with Liam and Aiden and Noah and Aria and Sofie and Mason and I realized that I missed everything. Even though I'm caught up on what I missed, hearing about middle school fights in a story is completely different than living it. And I want it back. I want to go back to eleven. I want to come home that day and beg you guys for the millionth time for a DS for my birthday. I want to go to pool parties and be a teenager who slams doors and hides in her room on her phone all night. I want to get obsessed with Harry Potter like all the other kids my age were. I want to be grounded for arguing back. I want to go back, and I can't. And I'm just now realizing what happened and what I went through and everything I missed and I see these pictures," I point to the two pictures, one of me baking with my Dad, and one with my Mom hugging me. "And all I see is a little girl who was so innocent and had a family that loved her, and it's not fair. Like, why did it happen to me? I should have come home and tried to slow down. I should have taken time to heal. I was so hell bent on growing up that a few months after I got home from being kidnapped for six years, I got a job, and all I can think about these days and whether or not I'm going to be able to put food on the table for my kids and how much I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I still had some time to be a kid, and I just...threw it all away. That's why you didn't want me to get that job? Remember we got into an argument about it?" I look at my Mom. "You saw what I couldn't see. I told you I was practically an adult. I thought that, because I had been forced to fight for myself, I didn't need my parents to tell me what to do. You knew what was best for me, and I got back to Hawaii and I was still fighting for myself and I didn't realize that you guys were fighting for me, too, and I just feel so...so fucking stupid!"

I bury my head in my hands and start shaking my head.

"You're not stupid." My Mom whispers, running her fingers through my damp hair. "You are the smartest person I know, and you have been through hell, and you know what? It's okay to be sad about it, but you need to be proud of who you are. You got to have a normal life. After everything you went through, you came home, struggled, and pulled through, and you got to live your life normally from then on. Liam did catch you up. You went to college and you had the same experience as Liam and Mason and Sofie, and if I recall, you did have some relationship drama."

"Yeah. Remember Maria?" Dad smiles.

Mom chuckles lightly.

"Savannah, you were obsessed with hating her. You used to call me all the time to complain about her. And it made me happy to hear you angry about something so...so stupid, because you were doing what everyone your age was doing. You and Liam got into a fight because you thought he liked Sofie! You used to argue with Sofie about how she took your shirt. It was just stupid fights, sweetheart. Yes, you missed a good chunk of your childhood, but you're better now. You're okay now. You got out of there, and you grew into a very intelligent, moody teenager. You slammed the door on me more than once, yelled at us for no reason on your period, you drank a lot of soda, hid in your room during family functions so you could go on Instagram and play the videos on your timeline out loud. You hated Aubrey for no reason, you would argue with me and your Dad for no reason, you would fight with your brother, glare at people who looked at you wrong...I mean, that is just a typical teenager. You came with a little more baggage, and that's alright. I think you need to embrace who you are. You are Savannah Noel. You were kidnapped. You escaped. You got home. You lived your life. You were a teenager who acted like a teenager, but sometimes you had nightmares, and some days were harder for you to be normal than others, but you pulled through, and that's what makes you special. Now, after all of that, you moved out, and you have a really good job and a husband who adores you and three beautiful children. Did you miss out on some parts? Yes, but you didn't miss out on all of them."

"And kiddo, just so you know, feeling like you want to go back to when things were easier...that's normal. I've been wanting to go back to being a kid since the first day I financed a car and realized now I had to work, because if I don't, the bank is going to come and take my car. Some nights when you and Noah were kids, I sometimes wanted to go back to being a kid, because the power was out and I was trying to fix it, but you guys were just running around in the yard playing. The feeling of wanting to go back never goes away, but then you can remember all the fun you did have...and watching your kids live through that stuff...well, it helps, too. Tomorrow, just watch the kids be kids and remember how close you got to having none of it."

______

Guys the next chapter is the end

~Sam