His expression was still the same. Dark and mysterious. Pinilit kong pinalakas ang aking katawan kahit na nanghihina na ito. But looking at the eyes of Antoine, para akong hinigop ng kadiliman. All I wanted was to cradle on his face and coo him. Hindi ko alam na ang sakit na nakikita ko sa kaniyang mga mata ay magiging dahilan rin pala ng pagsakit ng aking puso.
"You should have continued your plan!" sigaw niya, "And who told you that I want the life I used to have before I met you, huh? You don't know it! You always like that! You always think the bad side of everything! Fuck it, Hera! Anong ginawa ko para gawin mo ito sa akin?"
"I... I'm sorry," iyon lamang ang nasabi ko.
"That's not enough," mariin niyang saad.
Napatingin ako sa kaniya at madilim na tingin lang ang kaniyang iginawad sa akin. His eyes were still bloodshot. I wanted to wipe the tears on his eyes but I was afraid to make any move. He looked so menacing and ruthless right now— well, since when did he look calm and soft, anyway?
"Marry me." He said sternly, "That's what you get on keeping this from me."
Kumalabog ng malakas ang aking puso, "B-but I am married."
Tinignan niya ako ng masama, "And tell me about your fake marriage with that bastard."
Nalaglag ang panga ko dahil sa kaniyang sinabi. My mouth fell muted upon hearing his words. That wasn't a question, it was a command that I had to tell him about my fake marriage with Ronan. I didn't know where did he know those things. Did he make his research? I didn't know and I wanted so bad to ask where did he learn those things but when my eyes flitted to the searing flame of anger on his eyes, I became craven. I tried to grope the reason why I was angry at him but I couldn't find one. All I was feeling right now was pain.
"Where did you bury our child?" madilim pa rin ang kaniyang tono.
"In La Virgen..." I answered.
Umigting ang kaniyang panga, "Are you tired?"
Nagulat ako sa tanong niya. I looked at him but when I met his serious and menacing eyes, I just answered what he had asked me.
"Yes," I retorted.
"Let's go home. Get rest to our condo. Maaga tayong luluwas papuntang La Virgen."
I wanted to say yes but my body seemed to collapse already. I didn't know why I felt so weak and drained. When I nodded, he sighed and moved away. However, his eyes were still on me as though I was going to fade once he took his eyes off me. Gusto kong haplosin ang bakas ng luha sa kaniyang mga mata pero natatakot ako. Yes, I knew my fault now. Now that I had told him about our child, I figured out that all my actions way back were pure stupidity. I didn't let him decide for himself, I decided for his responsibility. I would have continued my plan on telling him about our child. My mind was all clouded with negativity that time.
The way I acted years ago had the big impact in my life. I knew my mistakes and I was aware of every consequences of it. Ever since, I wasn't letting him decide for himself. When I tried to push him to Annika— but I got jealous every time I saw them together despite the fact that Antoine was not flirting back, when he wanted to stay in La Virgen but I was adamant to push him away to his family, and the his supposed responsibility for our child. The actions I made were unfair to him. Kahit hindi niya sabihin ay alam kong nasaktan siya sa nalaman niya— not only because I kept this secret from him a long time but also I had chosen someone to stand to be the father of my child instead of him.
There were lot of possibilities that might have happened if I let him know about our child. May posibilidad na buhay pa ang anak ko. Though, I didn't regret being married to Ronan even though it was fake. He was a wonderful person and I was thankful that I had made him happy in his remaining time on earth. Kung wala siya ay wala siguro ako ngayon dito sa kitatayuan ko. He became my strength when I felt the urge to give up. The pull of capitulation was too strong and yet he held my hand and enlightened me about things that I neglected because I was consumed by exquisite darkness.
Kabanata 48
Start from the beginning
