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Review by Sunshine: Wicked Cindy

Title: Wicked Cindy

Author: itmebijou

Summary: 4.5/5

I think your summary is great! It introduces the concept, the fact that it builds in the fairy-tale of Cinderella, and I love how the summary itself seems to be full of twists. All the key elements of the story are displayed, and I'm super excited to see this wicked take on such a timeless tale! Quick note: I think, in the following sentence, you might want to consider changing the tense of the word 'carve':

"She became greedy for power and always crave for more."

I think it'll sound less awkward if you write:

"She became greedy for power and always craved for more."

Otherwise, excellent work! I'm super excited to keep reading. 

Grammar: 3.5/5

Okay, so your grammar is actually pretty polished – well done! The biggest issue I found had to do with tense, but that's quite easily fixable. Let's go through it now, shall we? Basically, you need to choose a tense – present or past – and stick to it. Let's look at some examples from your story.

"My nana shrieked when she saw me and lead me to the fireplace."

That above example shows a bit of a tense error. Since the start of the sentence (and the rest of the story) is written in past tense, it should be:

"My nana shrieked when she saw me, and led me to the fireplace."

Another example:

"Why am I able to understand them?" I asked, puzzled. [asked = past tense narration]

"I really do not have any idea of what..." [do not = present tense narration, not dialogue]

As you can see, some of your narration is in past tense, and some occasionally flips over to the present tense. You need to choose one and stick to it.

Next: punctuation and dialogue. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Goodnight, Lucina." the lady in green said.

Since 'the lady in green said' refers directly to the dialogue, it should be:

"Goodnight, Lucina," the lady in green said.

Finally, capitalisation. It can be a bit tricky knowing what to capitalise – especially with words that are sometimes used as proper nouns, but not always. If you're saying something like 'my nana,' the word 'nana' does not need to be capitalised. However, if 'Nana' is used as the name, it should be capitalised. So, an example:

"I'm sorry, nana."

That above example is incorrect. 'Nana' is being used as the name. Therefore, it should be:

"I'm sorry, Nana." 

Character Building: 4/5

My favourite, favourite thing that you did in the story was altering your descriptions to suit the character. Let's look at Cinderella: you manipulated her descriptions to show her change in character, discussing how she used to love the sound of birds singing, and moving on to how she thinks they're annoying now. That is a perfect and very clever way to execute characterisation.

Next, Maurelle! I sense that there is more to her than we know, especially with the prophecy lingering a bit in the shadows and her ability to understand the naiads. I think her naivety works quite well, and it's very clear that she has a strong moral compass in the way she feels after the burning of Camille's mother.

I sense some chemistry between her and Arion, and I do encourage you to take a bit more care in utilising internal monologue to make us connect with her in those moments. When her heart does go wild because of him the very first time she meets him, you need to make us see that there's more complexity to her than just going wild at an attractive boy. Maybe you can show us that she's unsure why her heart is doing what it is doing, or maybe she's a little flushed because she knows her is very attractive? That's all up to you – I just think it's a perfect opportunity to connect her with the reader more.

Let's talk about Nana! She's very sweet, and there's clearly a strong connection to her and Cinderela. At first, I thought she may have been one of the stepsisters, but then we met Drizella and Anastasia and, after a bit of research, I figured they were the stepsisters. I wonder whether Lucinda is maybe the stepmother, then? But then I did more research, and Lucinda was one of the stepsisters in Into The Woods, so now I'm unsure. But, either way, I love seeing the typical 'villains' be played into a more sympathetic light, while the character who was considered 'good' is all wicked. Keep up the great work! 

Writing Style: 4/5

I absolutely love the way you weave descriptions into the narrative – using Maurelle's hair, lips, and breath to show the reader how cold it is. And also, nice way of adjusting the vocabulary and clothing to match the setting of your story!

There are times where I want to know more about your setting – for example, the smells and sounds of the town square. Additionally, there were times where I felt as if the writing was a bit vague when it could have been more specific. For example, when you refer to the 'evilness surrounding the castle' – be more specific with that. What is that evilness? Is it the actual description? Or is there just an aura around it, and be sure to detail what exactly that aura feels like. 

Plot + Uniqueness: 4/5

I really, really like how you've extended the world to make it include more magical elements – fairies, nymphs, unicorns, witches and the such. I also like how you've stayed true to the rather horrendous punishments that existed back in the early days, with burning at the stakes rather than just going to jail – it really emphasises the stakes and cruel nature surrounding your story. My heart really bled for Camille and Mirabella's mother!

There isn't much of a plot happening yet – from what I can see, the story is just about to thicken more as Maurelle learns more about the prophecy (probably from Camille?) and as Arion and Maurelle connect more.

I'm excited to see where this goes! Keep up the great work! Make sure you keep every moment purposeful and really amp up the suspense in moments where you feel it is necessary; don't be afraid to flesh out the story more by giving us some internal dialogue to make us connect with your world and character more. 

OVERALL SCORE: 20/25

Overall, a promising start with some beautiful descriptions and an intriguing twist on a classic tale! Make sure you work on your tenses, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!