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Review by Painite: Twisted Love

Title: Twisted Love

Author: Thamerafathima26

Reviewer: awesomeSTG

Summary/Blurb: 1/5

Well, I guess I'd have to be honest and tell you that the way you introduced the characters here are kinda awful. I mean, you just plainly stated 'girl,' and 'boy,' and you didn't even introduce their names. You should edit this and include that, okay?

Now let's go over the technicalities I found throughout your summary.

1. 'can be red by everyone,' *change 'red to 'read'.

2. 'last year. she...' *capitalize 'she,' and turn it into 'She'.

3. 'background . She...' *Remove the space between 'background' and the period.

4. 'in love,she' *put a space between the comma and 'she,' then remove the space between 'in' and 'love'.

5. 'straight forward' is 'straightforward'.

6. I don't understand this one. Can you tell me what this means?

'The world's biggest business man son'

7. 'and yeah,' this phrase is informal, and sounds pretty childish when used to introduce a character. I suggest removing this.

8. Is this on purpose, putting out all those 'unexpected' words around the entire summary/blurb? Because it's getting pretty redundant and boring, so either you tone it down, or find other words to replace it.

9. Too many [???] (Tone it down with the excessive punctuation marks.)

10. Don't use double punctuation marks such as [?,] and [?.]

11. I don't really mind the love heart emoji, but if you prefer formal writing, then I suggest you remove it too.

Description: 1/5

This is my first time reading a Muslim love story, so I didn't quite catch on with the words, and I couldn't relate to them, so I had to look it up. Some people might not, and just leave this book because they don't understand the terms. So if you're saying that it's free to all readers, then maybe you can add some sort of definition of terms before chapter one, stating the Muslim words and their meanings. How's that?

Okay, unto the description. You're not using the 'Show and Tell' facade at all, and you're merely telling us what happened. We can see the image, sure, but it can get pretty bland and boring. You also use plain words, very little color and no diction whatsoever. The crying parts really made me cringe, and there wasn't any shred of emotion to spare, those kinds that lure the readers in, so that we can feel their emotions as well. Nothing, just and empty image in our heads of someone crying. 

Grammar: 1/5

You really have a lot to work on here, I'm afraid.

1. First of all, the tenses are clashing.

'I open the window,' (present tense)

'a cold breeze of air touched me,' (past tense)

See? Present in one, then past in another. You should only choose one, then stick to it until the end.

2. "Assalam alaikum momma! how are you??".

*I want to question why you placed a period outside the quotation mark. You MUST remove this, because it's wrong. You already have the excessive question marks which should only be limited to one, or else they'll lose their meaning. These types are scattered throughout your entire story, so I really suggest that you do some major editing.

3. 'asked me sarcastically "have no plans to come and aren't we getting late love".

*This part makes me cringe so much, and I'm having a hard time understanding. Is this something like:

"Do you still have plans to come? We're already late, love."

4. '"How can I forget Today it's our first day of our last year and yeah I'm ready let's leave", I semi yelled'

*What's a 'semi yell'?

*Don't capitalize the word 'today,' because its not a proper noun or anything like that.

*Did you mean:

"How could I possibly forget today? It's the first day of our last year!" I yelled before continuing, "I'm ready now, so let's leave."

(Well that sounded semi better.)

5. 'My mom especially wanting to be strong for her,'

*This sounds really weird when read aloud, you know. You should really pay attention to how you structure your sentences so that it'll sound good at least.

'Especially my mom. I wanted to be strong for her sake,'

6. 'Me and meera got in the bus,'

*Firstly, Meera's supposed to be a name, right? So capitalize it.

*Secondly, when narrating with two people, the name of the companion should go first.

'Meera and I'. (Get it?)

7. 'So I dashed the hall In flash,'

*Don't capitalize some random words all of a sudden, okay? 'In' isn't supposed to be capitalized.

Correct: 'So I dashed through the hall in a flash,'

There are plenty more of these types scattered all over your story, and I only gave out few of them.

Characterization: 1/5

Well, the one thing I can say about your characters is that I'm utterly confused. There are no distinct features to differentiate each of them, which can also be applied in realism. People should have varying attitudes so that the readers will be able to imprint them correctly in their heads. Is Fahad the male lead? If he is, then mention him in the cast of characters, please. To avoid confusion. No certain characteristics or traits mentioned, and I don't even know what they look like. A huge flop, in my opinion. 

Plot: 2/5

Though you made it clear that the plot is all about their love and the challenges, I noticed a lot of filler chapters and very less highlights. The unexpected thing? It's getting too broad in my opinion, as well. And too boring. 

Realism: 1/5

How old is your main character again? I just wanted to doubt Samaira's character. You stated that she was a straightforward woman, yet the only thing I can see from her is her childishness. One must stick to the character's personality, you know. Character development is what happens after encountering the problem, and that's when the traits of a certain character changes.

If one's an adult, saying 'yuppie,' and acting like a child is frankly weird... and immature. Really, I'm just saying that Samaira should act her own age. 

OVERALL SCORE: 7/30

Hello! This is your chosen reviewer, Painite! I just wanna apologize for the blunt words thrown at your story, but as a reviewer, we aim to be honest and not sugarcoat. My advice is that you plan out your characters on a notebook and list down their traits. It's an easy method to help plan out the events that's gonna happen in your story too.

Please remember that this is only an opinion of mine, and that this review is halfway subjective and may vary from one critic to another. So keep calm and type on!!