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Review by Painite: She's Feisty

Title: She's Feisty

Author: euphemian

Reviewer: awesomeSTG

Summary/Blurb: 2.5/5

Okay. So like most authors, you decided to pull the 'excerpt' card. This isn't really an issue for me since this is a rather popular option, but for me... it's pretty disconcerting. You're not even using proper punctuation marks in the very beginning of your summary, and this, mind you, is a really huge turn off, especially to those Grammar Nazis.

"You don't know what you're going into newbie" I saw his face redden with anger "I'm going to give you one last chance. Get up and leave"

"Make me" 

(Gosh, this phrase needs work.) 

First of all, you don't have pauses because you neglected to place periods. There aren't any verbal tags, so you should place periods before you close each quotation mark. Also, place a comma before 'newbie'. 

And another thing. You showed too much in your blurb that I pretty much lost interest. You shouldn't have added those unnecessary parts about Maxwell Lawrence and how he's gonna fall in love with Kayla, but then Kayla's into Raymond and stuff. See? Even when I'm mentioning those perks in your story now I can already see what's happening. So, doesn't that crush the point of a blurb supposedly created to lure readers in? 

Description: 1.5/5

Okay... I'm glad you're placing tons of efforts into weaving this story. It's nice, though I felt dead. Why? Eh, probably because you've been using purely 'telling words,' instead of showing us the world. Sure, Kayla's describing how awesome her school is and all, but we don't really feel the 'awesomeness' emanating from your words. Actually, to be quite frank, there are barely any words in your story describing sensory images. 

Then there's the info dumping. It's... er, making it hard for us to be invested in the story and the main character because of all the unnecessary info you've been dumping and shoving down our throats. I could hardly feel sympathy for Kayla's supposed 'sad' backstory because aside from the fact that we don't even know anything about her yet (for short, we don't care), the past sounded quite forced and redundant. Not to mention that she just told us everything plainly. 

Remember, while it's important that we must know a lot about the MC doesn't mean that you throw her entire sob story over to our faces and expect us to immediately relate to her. No. Instead of being invested in the MC and 'sympathizing' with her, we end up gritting our teeth because we've already seen this scene for like... I don't know. Sob stories are common here. 

Take a peek and look into the eyes of an avid reader. They've seen a lot of stories and became picky. They'll look for something unique, though that doesn't mean that you have to thrash your sob story. Just look for a better way to convey it to us without making it sound cliché.

Grammar: 2.5/5

As I've stated before in your blurb, you're lacking punctuation marks, and while I'm reading through your story I've also found it quite attention-grabbing. 

First of all, make sure to place periods after your sentences and before closing them in with the quotation mark. If there's a verbal tag, use a comma, and so on and so forth. 

Then there's your tenses. They really kept me from making progress because they flew back and forth so frequently. 

For example: