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Review by Sunshine: Snow Shadows

Title: Snow Shadows

Author: ShippingPolls

Summary: [NO SCORE – WILL NOT BE INCLUDED IN FINAL SCORE]

I have decided not to score the summary simple because I don't know how to score it. A traditionalist would probably give your summary a low score, because it doesn't really introduce much of the story. It shows us a glimpse of the main characters and succinctly introduces the general theme of the story, but it is quite ambiguous and doesn't provide the stakes, the conflict and the overall story arc.

However, I have a feeling that you weren't going for a traditional summary. Rather, you were going for an aesthetic one, which is popular on Wattpad. And since that is an intentional choice, I don't know how to score it. Sorry about that!

I will say, though, that it can be captivating to certain people. Some people like summaries like these, some people don't. It's very subjective. I will also add that your rhetorical question might work a little more effectively if you take out the redundant parts and keep it snappier. The 'with each other' is redundant, because the reader already knows what 'colliding' means. So, maybe try:

"What will happen when these two worlds collide?" 

Grammar: 2/5

Overall, your story wasn't too difficult to read, but I still recommend that you go back and polish your grammar and punctuation.

First of all, you have quite a few run-on sentences throughout your story. The easiest way to pinpoint these run-on sentences is to read your story aloud and take note of times when you pause for the sentence to make sense. Then, add some form of punctuation in that spot. This will help your story maintain its fluency. For example, one of your sentences:

"Ren was in a hurry that's why we were ignoring you."

When someone reads this aloud, without the punctuation, it doesn't quite sound right. I suggest something like:

"Ren was in a hurry – that's why we were ignoring you."

Also, you tend to mix up your tenses throughout your story. For example, let's look at the sentence below:

"They all again nodded and choose the seats close to Thomas."

In this sentence above, you change tenses. I've deconstructed the sentence to show it below:

"They all again nodded..." [nodded = past tense]

"... and choose the seats close to Thomas." [choose = present tense]

You need to choose one of these tenses and stick to it throughout your story.

You also had sentences that simply didn't make sense or felt incomplete, and you also used words inaccurately – in most of these instances, I assumed they were typos. For example, you wrote 'strutting' instead of 'stuttering', and 'wing' instead of 'wink'. Again, I suggest rereading your story to find these and fix them up.

Another thing I noted was spacing. You have spaces between your question mark and the word before it, which is inaccurate. The question mark comes directly after the word. For example:

"What has happened here ?"

That above example is inaccurate. It should be:

"What has happened here?" 

Character Building: 2/5

Okay, so I had a few issues with characterisation. To be completely fair with you, there are only really three short chapters, and one of them barely features Ren in it, so there isn't much for me to refer back to when it comes to characterisation.

That being said, I do feel like your development and introduction of characters needs some work. First of all, the dialogue – while realistic and captivating – didn't depict a different voice for each character that spoke. I need to hear idiosyncrasies, I need to see differences in the way characters speak. That way, I'll be able to immerse myself into the story more.

Also, in that first chapter, there is no clear character to follow. The reader needs a character to cling onto in – it doesn't necessarily have to be a main character, but we need to filter the world, setting, and people through the lens of a character within the story. I know you're aiming for ambiguous, but the readers also need someone to grasp onto and someone to guide them through the journey.

A lot of the issues that I found in characterisation stems from your writing style, so I'll go into this more below.

Writing Style: 2/5

So, the thing I found your story needed more of was description. Description of setting, of character, of dialogue – it felt like the skeleton of a story. It needs more fleshing out. Even with the setting – yes, it's a school and it is easy for readers to envision what a school looks like, it is your job as the author to provide some descriptions to help construct this image.

Also, try not to fall into the trap of telling instead of showing. For example:

"... while eating her lunch happily."

What made her seem happy? Did she have a smile on her mouth? Did she not seem to care that crumbs were falling out of her mouth? What made her seem happy – show it to us. It'll also give the reader a stronger sense of her character.

And speaking of character, I think that dialogue tags and overall descriptions will really help readers engage with your characters. It'll also make it clear who is talking. If you add in a good amount of description to contrast the dialogue, it might help the reader set the scene and get a visual image of the dynamic between Thomas and Ren.

One last thing: flashbacks. You have a really short one, so I'm glad you didn't designate an entire chapter to it. But, if we look at it from a professional point of view, announcing where the [flashback starts] and [flashback ends] feels a bit tacky. Maybe try to weave the flashback into the writing itself, and make sure the flashback will help build the readers' understanding or progress the plot in some way. 

Plot + Uniqueness: 3/5

It was really hard to judge this aspect of the story since, thus far, the plot has barely started, and you've kept the direction of the story ambiguous. I just hope that you keep each chapter purposeful, and I also encourage you to flesh out your story and characters a bit more.

Speaking of chapters, I do think you need to lengthen your chapters. Not only in terms of description, but also in terms of plot. The reader should feel something at the start of the chapter, and by the end of that chapter, they should be feeling something else. Each chapter should take them on a small journey, and each chapter should make them feel something different.

Consider lengthening out your chapters and extending them so that they actually lead somewhere, and so that the direction of the story is a bit clearer. 

OVERALL SCORE: 9/20

Overall, an ambiguous but interesting start! Just work on your grammar and descriptions, and you'll be good to go. I hope this review helps.