Feed the Muse: Inner Monologues (Vol. I) [√]

[ the black hole theory ]

I feel as though I have been living under water. My head is an ocean and I am sinking deeper and deeper into its depths, where the sunlight no longer exists. I think I am drowning, my lungs working to expel the rush of sadness that threatens to enter its vicinity, my throat trying to spit out the misery that chokes me.

I think I am falling, my body becoming a home for the lost soul that knocks at my bedroom window each night. I am surrounded by a cloak of rain and thunder, keeping out the heat of people as they try to give me warm towels to dry me off, but to no avail I try to strike them with my lightning. I am bad like that, I think I am miserable, and I am dragging everyone with me to be miserable, too.

I wish someone would pull my sadness out of me like a thread, miles and miles of wool at my feet until the needle that got stuck in my stomach disappears. I am becoming an animal at 3 in the morning, crying my eyes out, clawing at my skin, begging this melancholy to leave my body because my chest hurts, and my heart is heavy, and I am lost, floating away in space.

I think I was born sad, born with this history that is the color of emptiness. I tried searching for the root of this plant that I carry within my body, but it seems as though there is no seed, and this plant just existed out of my imagination, but I think not, for I would not be feeling like a girl running through the forest, scraped knees and hoarse voice echoing into the light of the moon.

Do not get me wrong, I love my life. I love it to the point where love eats away my suicidal thoughts and destroys the plague that rots in my brain, but there is a 'but' in my nineteen years, a gap, a hole, probably a black hole. I wanted to become an astronomer and seek the universe for my cure, tear apart the stars to look for the answer of the galaxy that rests inside my body, to sing to the whole goddamn creation, waiting for a reply.

Hey, is anyone out there? Can you please take this melancholy away from me and fling it somewhere it is wanted?

I do not want it. It is hurting me.