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Review by Sunshine: The Start of the Black Pandas

"She still hadn't seen any caves."

You also need to be careful of common homophones – words that sound the same but are spelt differently and have different definitions. For example: to, two, and too. In the following example, you wrote:

"There were to many people."

It should be:

"There were too many people."

Another example:

"Never ever let people outside the family know how your truly feeling."

The 'your' is incorrect. It should be "you're" – a contraction of "you are." It should be:

"Never, ever let people outside the family know how you're truly feeling."

Also, you have quite a lot of run-on sentences. I suggest rereading your story aloud – whenever you find a sentence that needs a pause, consider putting some sort of punctuation in there. Additionally, with capital letters, there were some words that were capitalised even though they weren't proper nouns nor were they at the start of a sentence. On the other hand, you also had proper nouns that didn't start with capital letters. For example:

"Yes, Mrs crystal?"

Since 'Crystal' is the teacher's name, it should be:

"Yes, Mrs Crystal?"

Next: tense. You sometimes fluctuated between past and present tense, as shown in the following two sentences that happened straight after one another:

"It seemed that only the women in the family got cancer." [seemed = past tense]

"To her, she just thinks that cancer will always come back." [thinks = present tense]

You need to choose one tense and stick to it.

Finally, let's talk dialogue and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"No, just no" Diego muttered.

That above example is incorrect. Since 'Diego muttered' directly refers to how the words are spoken, it should be:

"No, just no," Diego muttered.

I hope all of that helps! 

Character Building: 3.5/5

I love the dynamics between the two sisters! I love how one believes in happy endings, one despises happy endings, and I really hope to see that develop. I really want to see Grace develop into a somewhat less aggressive person, and I would love to see Kloe take a more realist view on things – that would be an amazing character development arc to follow.

The banter between the two sisters is fantastic – it's almost comical at times, even when they are snapping at one another. I also find it so interesting that, despite the anger (with Grace even sending Kloe to hospital), they can take one glance at each other and just know what the other is thinking. I find that such a fascinating thing to play with. I almost sympathised with Aunt Lennie – they seem like quite a handful!

Now, you introduce quite a few characters in those first eight chapters, when they return. Make sure that you slow the pace down to introduce them, and make sure their dialogue sounds different and that each character has their own idiosyncrasies. Also, be careful not to info-dump when it comes to backstory – when you talk about how cancer runs in the family, make sure it is spoken from Grace's perspective only. Make her find it sad that cancer flows in their family, and when she does describe it as sad, show it to us – don't tell. Make us feel her sadness. Make us want to empathise.

Also, be careful of POV switches (in limited third person). I think they're such a great tool to use, but you have to make sure the reader really, truly knows what is going on in the characters' head to a certain extent. And keep it purposeful. Do we need to see this happen in Owen's POV? Will it give a certain type of insight into the story? 

Writing Style: 3/5

I really like that you used the setting to describe the mood! I loved that you used to grey sky and cold air to create the tension, and even in other chapters, I loved that you used sensory imagery to take the reader there – the snapping branches, rustling leaves, the muddy paths, the smell of old age. It was handled really nicely, and I'm glad you took time to describe the setting.

I encourage you to extend that to all settings – the hospitals, the houses, the school. Build your world. My assumption is that Bridgeville is a fictional place made up by you, so you need to take extra care in showing the reader what this place is like. Do you want it to seem gothic? Perhaps you want it to seem very cheerful and lush? Show t to us.

The narration was also, at times, rather humorous – which was great! I liked the wit you employed, and I genuinely laughed at the, "If you count flinging your arms and legs around weirdly as dancing, then yes, she could dance." I thought the sarcasm throughout the writing was a wonderful way to keep the reader engaged.

I mentioned showing vs telling above briefly in the characterisation part, and I'll bring it up again here. When it comes to describing the appearance of characters, try not to just break the narrative to info-dump it all.

For example, rather than stopping to say, "Grace had bright green eyes. She had luscious pink plumped lips." – try weaving it into the action! Perhaps tell us that her bright green eyes scanned the crowd. Perhaps she bit her pink lips as she waited for her sister to say something. That way, action is still taking place, but we're also getting snippets of their appearance. 

Plot + Uniqueness: 3/5

This isn't an easy thing to score, considering that there are only eight chapters and we haven't even scene the Black Pandas come to be just yet. But I am getting a sense of the past emerging again, so well done, and you're taking the time to lay out the scene and the story – so good work! Keep that up!

I thought I'd recommend a quick book to you, because this book does a particularly good job at setting the scene of the town, as well as intertwining the past and present together. The story is called, 'The Gathering,' and it's by Isobelle Carmody. It involves a little gang trying to uncover the past as well, and the protagonist comes back to a hometown that he's been dreading. It might inspire you a bit!

Anyways, if I were to make a guess regarding your plot based on the summary alone, then I'd say that you've got a thrilling concept and I can't wait to hear more about how it expands! 

OVERALL SCORE: 15.5/25

Overall, a fantastic concept! Just make sure you work on all the grammar rules outlined above, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!