Finding Yourself

The life change.

I spent a whole week trying to figure out if I should move in with them or not. There were great things and bad things about this. If I do then I’ll be able to be with Chad and my brother and then I can start over, But in another hand, I don’t want to start all over again. I got were I am today for a reason. But if I don’t move away my mom won’t leave me alone. My phone rang for the millionth time. I turned my phone off. I took two deep breaths and went fix me a glass of water. Jake is turning eleven in two days. He is with his friends right now. I decided to put him in homeschool. It is easier for me. I'm still doing my YouTube career. Nobody is going to stop me; I don’t care, even if I move to California. Poreotics can’t stop me.

            I went sit down and wrote ideas down for Jakes birthday surprise but I couldn’t do it for long cause I got right back up trying to figure out what I'm going to do. I grabbed my phone and turned it on. I had four miss calls. I viewed them. Two were from my mom, of course, and two were from Lawrence. I called Lawrence back. He answered right away. “Hey, I’ve been trying to get a hold of you” “Oh sorry, my phone was off” “It’s okay listen, I wanted to let you know Dad wanted me to give you his number” He gave me his number “Is that it?” “No, I wanted to know if you were okay and if you made up your mind yet” “I'm good and no I'm still thinking, I’ll probably let you know in three days okay?” “Okay sounds good”

            I put dads number in my phone. I will call him in about three days. I need to think of ideas of Jakes party. I put my phone charging in my room so could think. I start of thinking of things he liked. He loves to dance, play video games, sports, TV. I thought for abit. Come on Cassandra think, what could be a great thing for Jake.  Maybe, No. Hm, I started to look around Ryan’s place. Then something hit me, we can’t stay here all our lifes. I need my own place. Did I make a mistake? Then I had a flash back. I was four; mom was in the kitchen cooking super it was the day before she got the nannie. I remember because that's the time we actually spent time together. She was making my favorite dish Italian food. I smiled remembering how good it was. Mom looked down at me.  She smiled; I smiled back watching her cook. She picks me up and puts me on the counter “Want to help?” Moving my head fast “yeah; yeah” she shows me how and I do it. “Is this good?” “Yeah good job” Those were the days when there was no secrets everything was perfect, Mom was actually happy.

            Smiling with tears in my eyes I go back to another flashback. Mom and dad arguing back and forth, me in my room, confused hiding scared, worried, didn’t even know what was going on. Mom screaming words I didn’t even knew what meant, till now. Dad screaming more throwing things around, me in my corner holding on to a pillow crying scared, Wanting someone to come get me. About a few minutes later, which seemed like forever mom comes in and hugs me. We cry together. After that day nothing seemed right, that's the day mom didn’t come around anymore, dad worked nonstop. The nannie was the only one with me.

            I remember because when we played games and stuff, it didn’t seem like the same with mom. I know she tried her best but it wasn’t the same. Mom always got home when I was asleep and left before I woke up. Never saw her till after Jake was “born”. Then it was just us two. I ended up passing out on the sofa with tears in my eyes. I woke up with Jake on the phone “Who is this?” I looked around Ryan was playing the game system. I had been sleeping for four hours. Damn. I must have been tired. “Who is this?” He said again. “Give me the phone” I took the phone from him. “Hello?” Still half asleep “Cassandra, oh baby” it was mom, shit. I look at the phone she called from a no name number.

            I couldn’t hang up on her again so I answered back. “What do you want? What point of I'm done with you don’t you understand?” She cried. “Cassandra, I'm so sorry, I needed to talk to you, I miss you” “Mom listen, I'm done with you okay” “Where are you?” “I'm not telling you” “Cassandra, I'm coming visit you’ “No” “Why not?” I don’t know why I said this but I had to do something. “I'm not in Oklahoma no more I'm in California” She got quiet. “Whaatt? Since when?” “Last week, so stop calling me, I'm moving on” Jake looked up at me his eyes got big.  “Cassandra, no; please come back” “To late mom, I already sold the house, I got to go dad is calling my name” and I hanged up. I couldn’t believe what I just said. Jake came up to me, “are we moving?” I nodded “yeah we have too”