Finding Yourself

Letting it out helps.

                      Jake didn’t go to school today I decided to keep him home so we can talk about a lot of things today. There are a lot of things we need to talk about so it’s off our chest. Me and Jake both went into Ryan’s room for privacy. Ryan was at his Kevin’s house filming. Ryan and Kevin already know about it. I told them last night while Jake was sleeping. They both understand and Ryan told me to stay here for however long I want to. Roi and Alex know and also Mychonny. I wanted to tell Chad and them but I didn’t have the courage to. I will eventually. I was going to tell Law but I didn’t. What if he didn’t know and I told him, how would he feel? I think I’ll rather talk to my father first before I do.

            Me and Jake sat Indian style on the bed. We both made a list of what we wanted to say.  Jake went first. “Well I have a lot to say but I want to say this first before I start” There was a pause. He looked at his list and said. “I already know about you and me…. I know everything” “How long?” “A very long time” “Do you remember?” He nodded. “Since I was six” I put my hand on my mouth “Jake… Why didn’t you tell me?” Jake nodded, "I tried but I couldn't, I didn’t want you to leave" My eyes got big “I would of never left” He turned his head sideways and made a face “What are you doing now?” “Leaving... but Jake this is different we are both older, I promise you, If you would of told me I promise you I would of never left you”

             “I believe you” “Good” “Do you have any questions about it?” “Yes” “What is it?” “What is going to happen to us?” I smiled up at him “You don’t worry about that okay, I got you, nothing is going to happen to you, we will find a new home and start fresh how He smiled “Really good but where will we stay at for now?” “Here of course” The smile grew bigger. “Yes!” I laughed at him. I'm glad we can sit down and talk. It feels good. “Anymore questions?” “One more” “yeah” “How did you find out?” I decided to tell him. I told him everything from the time I dropped him off at school till I saw him at Ryan’s. He couldn’t help but cry. “Are you okay?” “Yeah, I just don’t understand, why this happened to me” I nodded in understandment. “It’s the same way for me, Jake, we don’t know, the best thing for us to do is just pray to god and move on, I know that something good is going to happen, I can just feel it” He smiled.

            “Better?” “Yeah” “I'm just glad we can finally talk about this” “me too Cassandra, me too, what is going to happen to mom and dad?” “Well I dont know about you but I'm done with them, I'm not going to talk to them” He nodded. “Yeah me either” “Jake, you don’t have to stop talking them if you don’t want to, I'm not going to stop you” “No, I want to do this, it is better if I don’t talk to you” “Jake” “yeah” “They do love you, you know?” “Yeah I know” “and you know I do right?” “Of course” I smiled. “Give me a hug” He got up and gave me a hug. “Oh before we finish I got one thing to say” “Yeah?” “IF you got ANYTHING I mean ANYTHING to tell me, you better tell me! Got it?” “Yes ma’am” He laughed. I laughed after him.

            We talked about everything for about an hour and got up and went to our house. It was nice to get stuff off my chest. I still was confused but I know there was nothing I can do about it, It already happened. I wish I could just go back in time and see what was going through my mom’s head when she did this. I do understand about Jake but why would my mom just do, she could have told him about his father, she never told him nothing. I think Jake has it better than me. I know he has been knowing longer then me but I don’t understand how is he so strong about this, I just found out the other day and I feel lost, confused, angry, frustrated, just all these emotions in me but on the outside I'm smiling, laughing just for Jake, I know I got to stay strong for him.

            I wonder if he is doing the same. If so, he is doing a great job. When we got to the house we both looked at each other and sighed. I'm not going to lie I will miss this house, but I'm glad we will be saving it. It is a big house for just me and Jake anyway, someone else can use this house. They will take great care of it. We grabbed everything important and put them into boxes, we did our clothes first. That took us a few minutes. I grabbed more boxes and brought them to his room. “I’ll go call Ryan and some other people so they can help okay?” He picked up a few boxes and put them on his bed “Yeah okay” I called Ryan, Kevin, Johnny, Roi and Alex. They came all at the same time. I hugged them all and told them what to do.