Thirty-One Letters

Twenty-Two

We understand death only after it has placed its hand on someone we love—Anne L. De Stael

"Hadley, why don't we start with you? Since you were absent last week."

There was barely concealed annoyance in Phil's voice and his eyes were narrowed at her. It was three minutes past seven and the Good Mourning Group was just getting into motion. Two weeks had passed since Hadley had last stepped foot into the Wrightsville Beach Church but it felt almost like decades had gone by. She had done so much in those two weeks and even now there was another letter burning a hole in her pocket.

Nothing else had changed though. Christine was sitting next to her on one side and Dion was on the other. Clara was across the circle next to Phil and was picking at her nails. Adam was texting covertly and Braden had his head tilted back against the chair with his eyes closed, almost as if he were about to fall asleep. Old Jack and Tommy were the only two people aside from Phil paying devote attention to her.

Hadley loosed a breath. "Well...I missed the group last week because I was on a date."

"A date." Phil deadpanned.

"Yes. And before you ask how it was – the answer is that it was terrible. As in literally the worst date ever. He was a total jackass and it was basically a disaster."

"Hmm," Phil hummed. He leaned forward onto his elbows. "So how did this 'terrible' date make you feel?"

Clara rolled her eyes at Phil but otherwise now seemed interested in Hadley's answer. She wasn't the only one. Adam slipped his phone into his pocket. Braden cracked open an eye. Christine had turned half-way in her chair to look at Hadley head-on. Dion didn't so much as move.

Gossip, Hadley thought. Much more interesting than grief.

Hadley shrugged. "I felt nothing. Annoyance mostly but that's because the guy was a jerk. Besides I haven't really thought much about him since I left him at the coffee shop."

"And why is that?"

"I've been busy."

"Doing...?" Phil hedged.

He was not going to leave her alone.

"I got a dog. And a new job. And I've sorta been hanging out with this other guy but it's nothing serious. We just...talk. Sometimes he makes me forget about the fact that my brother is dead. Not always and never for long but...there are moments when I feel more like the girl I was before instead of the girl I am now. I like that."

Phil blinked at her. He wasn't the only one. The room felt so silent that Hadley was sure she could hear a pin drop if one were to fall. They were all staring at her. Even Dion had turned in his seat to look at her. "Would you describe yourself as...impulsive, Hadley?"

"Not really."

"Then what's your explanation for having a bad day and then going out to buy a puppy? Or dating someone new only a short time after a prior relationship has ended?"

Well, I walked right into that one.

Hadley sucked in a breath. The letters were too personal for this space and for these people. But they were all waiting for an answer, for her to explain. She could see how this looked to them. Since she'd started coming to the group, she'd been steadfastly ignoring her grief, pushing it down and controlling it through unhealthy means and pure avoidance.

That was over now, though. Hadley was no longer running in the opposite direction from her grief and her fear and her pain. It was hard to work through and some days it felt like wading through mud. But she was doing it. Step by step. Inch by inch. One day at a time.