Thirty-One Letters

Four

What cannot be said will be wept—Sappho

Hadley woke up late the next morning to the sound of waves lapping gently against the shoreline. She could hear someone moving about the house but wasn't quite ready to investigate further. 

Instead, she took her time waking up. Her eyes fastened to the ceiling where glow-in-the-dark stars had been glued years ago, deep into her childhood when she'd been scared of the dark and Tanner used to sneak into her room late at night so they could brave the darkness together.

She couldn't remember what time she'd gotten home the night before. It'd been later than she'd expected but she and Casey had spent the greater part of the evening talking. They'd sat on her bedroom floor for hours, catching up on everything they'd missed over the past few months.

Casey had been kind to Hadley. She hadn't poked or prodded at the sore open wounds of Hadley's grief. Neither of them had expected the conversation to turn to Tanner nor did they steer it unnaturally in that direction.

"You know, I really am sorry," Casey had said at one point. "About Tanner." 

And Hadley had nodded and accepted it for she knew that Casey was grieving too. But then the conversation had turned into another direction and Hadley was grateful for the change.

Hadley learned that Casey's cousin had gotten engaged and that Casey would be the maid-of-honour. She was told that Casey's grandmother had joined a new book club and that her grandfather had started researching the dorms at Duke University where Casey would be studying in the fall.

Casey had asked about Hadley's plans too now that they were official graduates but Hadley had stayed silent. Her plans for the future were nonexistent. She had no clue what she wanted to do with her life. 

It was a question people had been asking her for years and she'd never had a good answer. There were things that she enjoyed doing, of course, like surfing and reading and sitting by the water for hours while watching life go by. But she didn't know how to turn any of those passions into a career and so she had held off on planning her life and then Tanner had died and any plans she may have had disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

Two days had passed since Hadley first discovered Tanner's letters. Two days and two tasks done. And now a new day had begun which meant that it was safe for Hadley to open the third letter. She contemplated putting it off for a few moments longer, waiting until the day had become established and she felt more awake, and then decided it was better to just attack the problem head one. Like ripping off a Band-Aid.

Hadley reached for the next letter, waiting patiently for her atop the bedside table. She saw Tanner's scrawled number 3 and felt a sharp pang in her chest but turned the envelope over in order to rip off the back and reveal the letter inside.

Hey, Had,

So, how's Casey? Good? I hope so. I've always liked her and what she's done for you. You always were a little shy, Had. You needed someone like Casey to bring you out of your shell when you felt timid and she was always the willing volunteer.

Sometimes, I wonder what kind of mark I'll leave behind on other people when I'm gone. I mean, I know you and mom and dad will remember me but in ten years, fifteen, would someone like Casey even remember my name? Will any of our old classmates or teachers or neighbours? Will I end up as some sort of local story? Someone who is occasionally brought up in passing conversation and then ultimately forgotten?

Yeah... I wonder about that. The thought has even been enough to stop me from going through with it a time or two. What's another week? I've asked myself. Would another few days let me leave my mark on the world? Would any extra time mean that someone outside of my family might remember me every once in a while?