Thirty-One Letters

Twenty-One

I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt but I was wrong—Haruki Murakami

The party was already in full swing by the time she arrived. Hadley could smell the smoky aroma of burning wood and listened as peals of laughter and the quiet murmuring of steady conversation floated towards the front yard.

It seemed like years had passed since she'd last come to one of Trevor Coleman's bonfire parties. In reality, the last one that had been held was around the New Year when they'd all gotten together to celebrate an end and a beginning. She had certainly never been to one without Tanner and had debated for the majority of the day if she was actually going to attend. That was until she'd plucked out the nineteenth letter from the stack and read it.

Hey Had,

Listen, I know things haven't been easy for you lately but you're starting to move on. At least I hope you are. By the time you've read this letter you've begun to talk to mom and dad again. You've gotten a job and saved a life. You've even gone out of your comfort zone by kissing a stranger and going on a blind date which I know must have been terrifying. And you've even made a new friend.

I'm happy about that. About the fact that you're making new friends. But I also don't want you to forget the old ones either. I've told you to reconnect with Casey and Ian and I hope you've done that. They're family and you need them as much as they need you.

Now I want you to see everyone else. Go to a party and have fun with Elise and Trevor and Brian and all the rest. Drink a few flat warm beers from a keg and let your hair down for a night.

And...Tell them all 'hey' for me. And that I'm sorry I couldn't be there for one last party but that I love them. And that I'll see them again...someday.

Your-I-Should've-Drank-More-Beers-Brother,

Tanner

The letters had been growing shorter. Almost as if Tanner hadn't had the strength or the willpower to try and make things lighthearted, as he had in the early notes. There was almost an air of exhaustion to his words. Hadley could practically see when the layer of darkness had truly begun to cloud him. How strange that she could see it here and now when there was nothing she could do about it while she'd been completely oblivious when he was standing right next to her.

Perhaps she hadn't paid enough attention.

Or maybe he'd just hid it that well. Had put on a mask of exuberance and life that he wasn't actually feeling and fooled them all.

Not just her and her parents - but also everyone inside of the home before her.

The thought was enough to prompt Hadley walked up to the front door of Trevor's house. He lived in a small bungalow but the lot was large and it was only a few miles away from the high school they'd all attended up until a few weeks ago. She didn't bother knocking because she knew the door would be unlocked.

Trevor had one rule only for his famous bonfires: the door was open for anyone who brought food or booze.

Hadley had brought a few bags of chips as an entry fee. She opened the door and stepped inside and was hit immediately by a wave of thumping bass from the loudspeaker Trevor had set up somewhere. The main entry of the house was empty so Hadley closed the door and followed the sound of voices.

Trevor's house was familiar to her. She'd been here dozens of times. His mother had excellent taste in decoration. Everything was all warm colours and soft fabrics and while it was tidily kept, it was obviously lived in.