Dear diary: How do I heal his broken heart?; Choi Soobin

t w e n t y o n e

He finally steps forward, entering the house. I close the door behind him and then go around to face him. He steps closer to me, his burning gaze is stronger than ever.

"Please, forgive me for keeping silent all this time." He pleads. "I didn't want to face it, I was scared and I hurt you, please... I'm... I'm sorry." His voice breaks, his head falling limp.

"What are you talking about?" I ask, lifting his face with my hand.

"y/n, I love you."

My eyes open wide and my heart stops beating.

"W-what?"

"I love you. I've never been back with Gyuri, I never intended to." He admits. "I said I still loved her because I was scared of facing the truth. That day I felt things I had never felt before. You were sharing something with me and I realized I was falling deep for you. I didn't want to feel this way, I didn't want to get hurt, but I ended up hurting you." He explains, cupping my face with his cold hands.

"Are you serious? Please don't play with my heart." I beg, tears streaming down my face.

"The truth is that I stopped having feelings for her when I started to spend more time with you. She was gone so easily and you owned every single one of my thoughts. But I was so afraid... And when I told you that I still loved her, you stopped talking to me, you stopped reaching out and started to avoid me, even though I lied. I lied because I'm a coward." He sobs, grazing my cheek with his thumb.

"Soobin..."

He smiles at me sadly.

"When I decided to make a move... You were with him. It hit me like a truck when I saw him kissing you in front of me. I felt destroyed." He sighs, moving his hands away from my face, looking down at his feet. "Remember when I was crying the other day? It was because I realized I had lost you. For fuck's sake. I couldn't stand the pain, I still can't. I hated myself because that should've been me. Me and not him, I should've been the one holding your hand as we walk on the streets, kissing you in front of everyone. I was so jealous to see him having his hands on you, your lips on his, he was feeling your kiss, my kiss, your lips were mine first, I don't want anyone else to kiss them but me." He mutters.

"Why are you telling me this now?" I ask, my lips quievering. He finally gets the courage he needs and looks up, our eyes locking.

"Because knowing that I wasted the chance disgusts me. I can't even stay away from you without feeling like I can't breathe, tons of people around me and I still felt alone because you weren't there. No one mattered, nothing mattered if you weren't around. No one compares to you, you never turned your back on me. You were always there for me when no one else was, you hugged me, you cried with me even when you didn't even know me that well. You shared my pain, you tried to protect me. You always put me first even though you were hurting. No one has ever done things like that for me, and I'm sure no one will."

His words shatter my soul and makes my heart shake, my chest tighten. I can't stop crying.

"I-I thought you fought with her and that's why you were crying..." I whisper, my voice cracky.

He shakes his head.

"She went to my house, she kept begging me to get back with her but I said no. I said I didn't love her anymore and she got mad and started to say that I was an idiot because you were with someone that was way better than me. And it was true, he is better than me, he acted like I should have." He admits. "I am so sorry, I will never forgive myself for hurting you... That day when I got drunk, I remember everything, I wasn't that drunk... I was aware of what I was saying and how I made you cry. I made you cry and I'm sorry."