Dear diary: How do I heal his broken heart?; Choi Soobin

Diary's Page: 10

Dear diary...

So this is how reality hit me once again, with a rainy ending to a perfect day.

What was I expecting? Why did I forget what he said the other night? I have no doubts of how stubborn my heart really is. He knows the truth, but he doesn't want to listen, he doesn't want to stop.

I always thought I'd be strong in this kind of situations, I always thought drama wasn't for me... I always thought one-sided love was not a big deal, if he doesn't love you back, just let go. That's what I said.

But I didn't listen to my own advice, somehow I still wanted to have a little bit of hope. I wanted to believe he would look my way... And he did, but not the way I wanted.

I never thought I'd have to fight to have the upper hand... And to be honest, this is not what I want. Maybe I was always naive and never really had a chance, but I got lost in his eyes. Who knows?

Maybe the one that's meant for me isn't where I'm looking... Maybe he is in front of me and I can't see him. The pain has become unbearable, and I'm tired of my tears burning my eyes and cheek every night when I'm supposed to sleep. Too many signs have been given, and maybe it's time for me to see them.

I wish I never found out love could be this strong, and somehow I wonder if it was a mistake for me to follow my impulses... Was it wrong for me wanting to protect him?

He's always so warm, so gentle, so fun and so caring... It's impossible for me not to love him. Whenever he's with me, whenever we laugh, or whenever he touches me I fall deeper and deeper. My heart just proclamed him as its owner, and I know how much he deserves to be loved the way I love him... But he doesn't love me back, he loves her... And for my own sake I need to stop.

I need to distance myself from him, I have to protect myself from hurting this time. After what he said to me, I finally saw the truth... This is what I need to do.

He will go back with her, that's what he always wanted, that's what will make him happy, and I can't take that away from him.

I want him all to myself, I wanted it to be me the one he loved, the one he kissed, the one he held on to... But turns out I'm not, and I can't be selfish.

All I want is him to find his true happiness.

But I want to be happy too, and that's not gonna happen if I keep holding on to nothing.

He has made his decision.

I took my decision. My painful reality.

I'll stay away from you, Soobin. I'm setting you free, for you, and for me.

Maybe I can find someone someday who will fill my heart the way I wanted to fill yours. I still love you, I'm madly in love with you, with your warmth, your smell, your eyes, your smile, your voice... And I probably won't be able to shake all of these feelings off, but I'm gonna try.

I just hope this is the right choice, I just hope you're happy and I hope she loves you right this time.

With tears in my eyes as I write this, with Kiyooung sleeping beside me, and my silly sobs dampening this diary, this is the last time I'm asking you this.

I love you, please don't forget about me. About our calls, about those days at my place, about Eggbert, about the day I adopted Kiyooung when you looked so happy. I will always remember you when I look at her.

And I'll never forget the day you saved me and kissed my lips for the first time... Even if you regretted it, I will treasure that memory as long as I live.

From this moment on I'm going to avoid you, I'm going to try my best not to want you, or see you, or text you.

I'm sorry, but I can't stand the pain anymore.