Broken (AU Calum Hood Fanfiction)

XL

"What the hell?" I wail at her gesture, jerking my arm free.

"I hear you and Cal are official now?" she purses her makeup-ridden pink lips at me.

"Yeah, and?" I scoff at her. What's her problem? I've never even met her.

"Me and him used to be fuck buddies."

Oh.

My mouth falls open but I force myself to shut it quickly.

"I really don't give a shit." I spit at her, trying to convince myself that I really don't care. Truth is I do care. But I'm trying with everything that I am not to. Fake it till you make it.

"How'd you like that picture from Halloween that I posted? I even tagged you." she laughs and glances over to her bleach blonde friend who's standing next to her.

"That was you?" I raise my eyebrows at her.

"The one and only."

"You know what? I don't have time for this." I say and try to walk away but she grabs me again, getting in my face.

"He'll just leave you. I'm a way better lay than you'll ever be." she growls, her brown eyes burning into in mine with such malice and viciousness that it makes me flinch.

"Fuck off." I say lowly and shove her away. I walk backwards through the crowd, hitting people's shoulders left and right until I can't see her anymore.

What she said should've bothered me. But right now I'm not processing what she told me. I'm keeping myself occupied by filling two solo cups with liquor.

When I start back through the crowd I bump shoulders with the girl again. I give her the deadliest look that I can manage and continue pushing through.

Once I make it outside I see that Ashton's moved closer to the house. Calum's standing over him, looking around. When his eyes land on me I see him let out a breath of relief.

"He's trying to leave." Calum nods to Ashton when I reach them.

"I'm fine." Ashton counters, trying to stand but Calum nudges him back down by the shoulder.

"No, you're really not, mate." Calum shoots back.

"Don't call me mate. We're not mates. Not anymore." Ashton sneers and I meet Calum's eyes again.

"Let me talk to him." I say with a weak smile, handing him one of the cups that I ventured through bitch-valley to get.

"Call me if you need to, okay?" he asks and I nod.

"Go have fun." I tell him before he retreats to the doorway, out of earshot.

"You need to talk to me." I say to Ashton as I sit down beside him.

"No, I don't." he slurs.

"Well I'm not letting you leave."

"And why the hell not? I'm fine." he looks over to me.

"You've been drinking and smoking all night. You're not fine." I shake my head and my mind wanders to my dad. I start to wonder how he was always able to convince everyone that he was sober enough to drive when it was obvious that he wasn't. I wonder how he came to be so good at what Ashton's trying to do right now.

"What do you care?" he buries his face in his hands and I tuck a curl of his hair behind his ear. He flinches away from me and I feel my chest tighten.

Calum was right. It is about me. Whatever it is. What'd I do? I mentally shuffle through the past few weeks trying to identify a situation that I may have acted inappropriately in. Nothing surfaces.

"I do care. More than you'll ever know." I whisper, pulling one of his hands from his face and bringing it to my lap. I try to sandwich it between my own but he pulls it away with a grunt.

"Yeah? You care so much, huh? Is that why I never see you anymore? Is that why you're always with him? Because you care so much about me?" he hides his face again and this time I let him.

"That's what this is about?" I feel my chest contract even more.

We promised one another that we'd never do this. That we'd never abandon each other for anybody else. Never leave one another for something that seemed better. Never to leave one another period, because we needed each other. We still do. I still need him. He still needs me.

But I did that. I left him.

And that absolutely crushes me.

"I'm sorry." I breathe out, "I didn't even realize that I was - " I start but he cuts me off.

"If I had never taken you to that damn party months ago... " he trails off and I think back to the night that I met Calum for the second time. Ashton invited me to that party. It seems so long ago.

"You have no idea how bloody hard it is to watch you two together," he sighs into his palms.

"What?" I ask but he doesn't stop. His sentences bleed into one another without pauses or breaths in between.

"It's so damn hard to watch him hold you and call you 'babe' and kiss you and to watch you kiss him and you smile at him and you laugh with him and you dance together," he pauses and takes a deep breath, "and he told you that he loves you..." his speech tapers off yet again and I hear him sniffle, "and it's killing me inside, Jackie."

"I don't get it." I tell him honestly.

I don't get what he's trying to say. I don't get why he would be jealous of those things. I just don't get it.

"What is there not to get?" he looks up at me with glassy eyes.

"Why would those things make you uncomfortable?" I ask him and realization hits as the last syllable leaves my mouth.

He starts laughing and I feel like I've just been kicked in the stomach. All the air leaves my lungs.

"Because I'm fucking in love with you, Jackie." he laughs, kicking at the sand angrily, "And I fucking hate myself for it. I hate myself for not realizing it sooner. I hate myself for telling you right now. I hate myself for a lot of things. But most of all I absolutely loathe myself for loving you as much as I do. For being in love with you." his voice fades as the list of I-hate-myself-for's grows. By the time to time the last sentence leaves his mouth he's almost inaudible. But that could be because of the ringing in my ears.

I've had that talk with Ashton. The debate of differences between being in love with someone as opposed to just loving them. He knows the weight of what he's saying.

Even though he's intoxicated I know that he means what he's saying. He's never been one to have diminished thoughts when he drank or smoked. He just becomes more honest. He's being honest, I think to myself as my chest caves in even further.

"That's really unfair." I tell him weakly as tears threaten.

"I know." he nods, staring at the sand between us.

A/N: Oh, Ashton.

How do you think Jackie's gonna react? Leave your theories in the comments if you'd like :) I'd really love to read them!

Did you guys see 5SOS on The Tonight Show? If not you should check it out 'cause they were pretty hilarious.

As always, thank you so very much for reading!

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