Broken (AU Calum Hood Fanfiction)

XXIII

Calum's POV:

"I wanted to see if you'd get jealous. It was bloody stupid and I know it. It never should've happened. I never should've done it, I just didn't know what else to do." I spill.

"What else to do? Maybe not make out with other girls right in front of me." she scoffs.

Words can't express how bad I feel.

"I know, I know, and I'm so sorry. I wanted to be more than friends, but at the same time I didn't. And I didn't know if you wanted to be more than friends so I thought I'd test you by making you jealous."

"Well it worked." she pauses and inhales sharply. "So why didn't you just ask me what I wanted?"

That's a really fucking good question.

"I did. You said we were just friends." I say cautiously.

And because I was scared of what you'd say, my subconscious adds.

"You never asked me what I wanted, you asked me what we were. There's a difference, Calum." she says sharply.

She's right and the longer this conversation goes on for, the further knife in my gut is twisted.

"Yeah, okay, but I was afraid you'd say we were dating. I don't want to be 'boyfriend and girlfriend' that seems too heavy. I don't know what I want." I say as I drag one hand down my face in exasperation.

"Unofficially official." I think I hear her say.

"What?"

"We could've been unofficially official. I don't want to be 'boyfriend and girlfriend' either. I don't want commitment like that. But I also don't want to kiss someone who kisses someone else ten minutes later. That doesn't work." she says with a heavy sigh.

Oh my God, she understands, she actually understands, she doesn't want to be committed either, she feels the same way.

I could've avoided this whole thing if I had just asked her instead of being such a dick and 'testing' her. What was I thinking?

"Unofficially official?" I repeat with a quirked eyebrow.

"Yeah." she says as she looks down at her hands and starts picking at her chipped black nail polish as droplets of rain begin to sprinkle the asphalt in front of us.

"You look sick." I say solemnly.

"Why thank you. I feel sick." she says snarkily.

"Have you eaten today?"

"Like you care." she scoffs.

"I do, Jackie. I swear to God I care so much."

If only you knew how fucked up I've been without you this past week, I want to tell her.

"You can't care that much. You don't know me well enough." she counters.

It kills me that she feels like she's unlovable, that she's damaged or broken beyond repair.

"It doesn't matter. I still care." I see a stray tear making its way down her face as she meets my eyes for the first time.

"I can't handle shit like this, Cal." she says and her voice waivers halfway through.

God, I can't stand seeing her this way.

"I know." I say, swiping away the tear. "Give me another chance."

"The stupidest part is, it's my own fault. You didn't do anything wrong. I said that we were only friends and it killed me to see you do that, Calum. You'll never know." she says and the tears start to come faster.