Broken (AU Calum Hood Fanfiction)

LXVII

Calum's POV:

My feet carry me in the most mind-numbingly weightless way. They carry me past Jackie and her pleading blue-eyes. They carry me away from her voice that asks me to stay in the most fragile, gentle tone. They carry me to my car and they press down the accelerator without thought, completely ignoring the brake pedal. They take me to my parents house. And they carry me to the liquor cabinet. No one's home apparently. But still, I stay quiet and get in and out as quickly as possible.

Then my feet take me back to my car, a bottle of Patrón in my right hand, my keys in my left. I sit there, in my parents' driveway, the car's engine idling as I look between the liquor bottle in the passenger seat and my hands that are shaking with anxiety. I wrap them tightly around the steering wheel, my knuckles going white with pressure. 

I can't stand the way my hand shake and my mind wanders and my voice cracks and my eyes flood. So I force my mind to stop. To just stop thinking, to stop worrying, to stop hating, to stop wondering, to just stop.

But stopping is harder than it seems. Those unwanted thoughts that drift into your mind without warrant, that haunt you in your sleep. Those memories that are remembered and relived without warning. Those things of the past that are so sweet and pure and innocent and serve as such stark contrast to the harsh reality of the present. Those things that you can't just stop holding on to, no matter how hard you try, how much and how desperately you wish you could forget everything for a while. To just tune out reality and just feel nothing.

So I shift the car into reverse and drive aimlessly, looking for somewhere to get drunk, looking for somewhere to be alone and miserable. Looking for somewhere away from here. But here is not the problem. And I know that but it doesn't make my desire to drift into oblivion any less prevelent.

I drive for at least an hour in no particular direction. I take in the California nightlife as I drive - the couples that lean on one another outside club entrances, the homeless man who begs for money on the street corner, the girls with short skirts, high heels, and desperate eyes, and the boys who look like they're seeking trouble. And it's all so dark and glum and dreary and seemingly pointless.

I eventually find myself at Santa Monica, where I took Jackie. I see glints of moonlight reflecting on the waves that come towards the shore, propelled by unseen forces. I see the city lights reflected on the chilly water and I think about how hot it probably is in Australia right now. But it's cold here today, the wind blowing at full force. Maybe that's why there's hardly anyone here. But I'm here, sitting in my car, watching the palm trees sway and the waves crash as Green Day's "Good Riddance" fills my car and I open the bottle of tequila.

The liquid burns my tongue and throat but it holds so much promise. Promises of temporary amnesia, of numbing the pain. So I drink. And I don't stop.

A third gone, a half, two-thirds, three-quarters. As I watch the alcohol dwindle my thoughts leave, too, and I finally feel numb, just like I wanted, just like I needed. But right before I slip into unconsciousness it occurs to me how pathetic this all is, how stupid I am for sitting in my car at 3:00 am, getting wasted at the beach because reality is too much for me to handle.

But I can't handle it. So I'll cope how I know how to.

Jackie's POV:

While I wait for Ashton to show up I nervously scan Twitter and Facebook. Luke posted the picture that he took of me and Calum that day we watched Titanic before we went bowling. A horribly lit but otherwise fairly good picture of both of us asleep, leaning against one another, oblivous to the world, with no idea of what was about to come. I remember the peacefulness and I long to go back to that moment. Long to go back to nights of holding each other, and of waking up to his smile instead of being awake all night waiting for him. But I can't. We can't. So I push it from my mind and focus on the present as I read his caption.