Saving Grace (editing)

47: Grace ~ I'm Sorry

Pang goes my heart.

I did this to them.

I did this to their family.

Despite the several times Mr Dallas has urged me that it was never my fault, I can’t bring myself to believe a single word he says.

Of course it is my fault.

Look who’s on the hospital bed and look who’s on their feet.

Pang goes my heart.

I thought I was experiencing pain just several hours before.

How foolish was I.

I was so selfish. No. I am selfish. I am absolutely selfish.

This is so much worse, this hurts even more.

…Grace, I’m in lov-…

“STOP!” I yell suddenly.

I stand up abruptly and cover my ears in an attempt to block out the memories and the painful flashbacks.

My outburst causes people to turn and look at me strangely; concerned, sympathetic, confused, pitying, these are what I see on the faces of those peering at me. They don’t get it.

They must think I’m insane. But I don’t care.

…I’m your idiot…

… God, I’m never letting you go now…

… But you’re perfect to me…

I can’t breathe. I’m gasping out for air, for some release. I’m drowning. I’m drowning in my ocean of regret, guilt and pain.

I can’t take it anymore.

My eyes sting from my acidic tears.

I don’t care that the people around me think I’m hysterical. I don’t care. I don’t care anymore.

I am hysterical, I am insane, I am pathetic and I am… depressed.

The nurses are looking alarmed. Mr Dallas stands up to settle me down.

But I can’t.

No one can help me, but only Elliot.

The only person that I want to comfort me right now is Elliot.

To tell me it’s going to be okay, to embrace me in his arms that are home, and to press his mouth on my forehead. He is home. But he could vanish at any moment now. He’s barely hanging on to life.

But he’s the only one who can stop me from breaking down and shattering.

Only him.

…Always here for you…

But he’s not here. He’s not here because of me.

I bolt.

Panicked voices follow me, calling my name.

Oh this situation feels so familiar… so familiar.

But it’s not Elliot who’s chasing me this time.

I turn a corner and my side slams painfully against the wall.

For a second it slows me down as I wince and rub my sore muscle.

But I keep going.

My vision is blurring and everything stings, but not as much as the agony in my heart.

…the world really is unfair and messed up isn’t it…

Oh Elliot it is… it will be especially without you…