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Review by Daryl: Script [Forest]

The plot concept I would love to explore is the game. Well, I wouldn't call the game itself a concept; rather, a concept revolves around it. I have no idea what's going to go wrong. Anything could go haywire. Boy am I itching to know! The impending doom is amplified by the kind of game it is. Bravo for picking a virtual reality game where players literally live the lives of their avatars. I was expecting a system that includes a keyboard or gamepad. Instead, I got a game I've been wishing for since my birth. They actually traversed the barrier of normal human existence and took on virtual personas that could feel and taste. That's a gaming sanctuary right there. My geek-esque tendencies aside, this kind of game leaves an abundance of possibilities. I'm even dreading how this could turn out.

Honestly, I don't have any complaints about your plot. We could be here all day praising your book. You're doing very well so far. If you can keep up this pace and style of delivery, you'll nail this story.

Vocabulary and Sentence Structure: 3/5

Firstly, your vocabulary is great. I almost had no corrections to proffer under the aspect of vocabulary. Even the single one I suggested has no grammatical errors. You tried to use fresh words frequently and that kept your writing interesting. Your delivery of words was colorful, to say the least. I'm quite pleased with your grasp of the English language. The main problem in this section was sentence structure. I noticed a major issue in so many areas. It's an error everyone commits but not one that can be overlooked.

Excerpt: It takes only seconds to bleed black streaks on asphalt streets.

The blunt perched between my lips takes even less time to spark up.

A stark white sign suggests a careful speed of twenty-five but Asher is a speed machine. Thirty-five seems more appropriate.

Or: . . . my sacred place now seems like the cleaning isle in every grocery store hardly makes it worth it.

A quick shower offers me a more invigorating redolence of Warm Vanilla Sugar and removes any stubborn traces of weed.

Two bundles of fur cut through my legs and down the . . .

Consider: It takes only seconds to bleed black streaks on asphalt streets. The blunt perched between my lips takes even less time to spark up. A stark white sign suggests a careful speed of twenty-five but Asher is a speed machine. Thirty-five seems more appropriate.

Or: . . . my sacred place now seems like the cleaning isle in every grocery store hardly makes it worth it. A quick shower offers me a more invigorating redolence of Warm Vanilla Sugar and removes any stubborn traces of weed.

Two bundles of fur cut through my legs and down the . . .

Above is a recurring glitch throughout the story. Now, I do know that for the first excerpt, the first sentence was seperated intentionally. You did that in the other chapters. That's fine. Notwithstanding, I did join it to the second sentence to show a problem I saw in other places. Even when these sentences weren't beginning the chapters, they were broken up. Perhaps to emphasize them or something of that nature. I'm not sure. What I am sure of is that spacing out sentences this way doesn't look good. Joining them doesn't diminish the feelings they evoke. They're written well enough that they could be in the middle of a lengthy paragraph and still shock readers.

The second excerpt focuses on a slightly different problem. There were places where you broke off paragraphs at inappropriate times. A good example is highlighted above. If the sentences relate to a single issue, they should be in a single paragraph. If a new issue is introduced, it should be in a different paragraph. The way you cut off paragraphs is very important. The fact that you're bringing up a new idea in a new paragraph has to be very clear; otherwise, people will get confused. Above, the first two parts I joined together deal with the smell of her room. It's a transition from not liking the smell to scenting a better one. Both parts deal with the same issue so, they should be together. The last part introduces her pets which is obviously different from the rest. Therefore, it's started on another paragraph as you already did.