When the birds stopped chirping

27. Responsibility

Under a neon's flimsy light flickering, on a deadly night, I atoned for my lack of resolve by enduring. They told me if I resisted any more, I would bring tragedy upon my family. If I opposed their will, they would execute me and shame my siblings, besides taking and reeducating Arata. In order to save myself and my own, I opted for enrolment, yet unaware of its consequences. The burden of betrayal crushed my heart, although my knees did not buckle under the weight of my decision. Whatever the cost, in exchange for sparing my siblings' and my son's lives, I pledged allegiance to the Party in power. «Still, you've given up! » : that thought was engraved in my mind as I pronounced the words I could no longer take back. Even now, it kindled my chest with shame, my throat tightening. Back then, I had nothing to hold onto anymore as I waited for my end, and I had everything to lose. It killed me to abjure my ideals. By doing so, I betrayed all of the art community. Yet, as I stepped forward into the light of day in Koji's steps, I felt I had no other choice, or so I thought at that time.
Nowadays, I was not seeking to be forgiven. Or, instead, I just wanted to repay for my deeds in any way I could, twenty years later. Sometimes, I set my mind adrift, thinking back. Reliving the sheer terror of that fateful morning in my dreams, I should not have fallen asleep. Those recollections came to haunt me. Was it criminal to want a better place for all? I still remembered their words quite vividly. I could feel horror surging through my veins, begging them for mercy, on attempt to stop them from taking my child away. Trapped in a waking nightmare, I could hear my lips moving, tears rolling down my cheeks as I pronounced words that sealed in stone my destiny, shrouded in darkness. Prey to my relentless rumination, I stayed up the whole night. Morning rolled in faster than usual.

- I'll accept any punishment you see fit, so please, let me speak to him. Alone.
Standing in my way, menacing, Gwendoline blocked the door and did not bulge, letting show to me that she hid a weapon in her jacket's sleeve. Her eyebrows casted a sombre, sinister shadow over her hateful eyes:
- I won't let you through, she spat. Besides, Shinji needs to rest. He's physically weakened to a point he needs someone's assistance to attend to his needs.
Further Shinji slipped away from my grasp, greater I hated Gwendoline for setting us apart. She clung on to him when I was about to reconcile with him at the end of a hard-won battle. In his own manner, he stopped me from giving in to madness, gatekeeper of my sanity against sadness. In return, he had me to support him if he ever felt the urge of giving up, crying in agony, to end his ordeal.
- I've come to realise how much you care for him. For putting your life in the line to protect him, you have my deepest thanks.
- Your sincerest apologies, all the more your sweetest words are meaningless and dull. Your forced repentance hasn't persuaded me yet to give you my trust.
- What should I do then, to earn your approval?
- Accept that you've lost something you can't so easily regain, by siding with the Party of your own will; your dignity. Be modest, rather than self-loathing, and leave us in peace.
For acting warily towards me, I could not blame her, but her overprotectiveness clouded her reasoning. In a way, she almost disrespected Shinji by treating him like a defenceless child, pretending he unconditionally needed someone's assistance in every stage of his daily life. From getting to know him, I could tell he had survived many more hardships than any child of the sea forcefully stranded across Earth in shambles may ever endure, which forged his independent character and his will to keep living on despite his disabilities. Nowadays, he had recovered well enough to move past his recurring nemeses. That, I did not tell her however, assuming she would not listen to anything I said, self-asserted of her right to regent Shinji's life.
- I have just reunited with Shinji, whom I thought had died at sea, which turns my world upside down. I can see why you think I'd betray my brother as I betrayed many people, including my siblings, though I am no longer the same person.
- Will you face responsibility by abandoning the cover identity of Petra Sullivan... which symbolises your allegiance to the Party?
- I have yet... to reaffirm the part of myself I had forsaken a long time ago.
- Are you ready to face all your remorse, and regrets, without looking back?
- Yes, I am. Often, I felt like a caged bird at Koji's mercy. Not anymore.
Gwendoline's eyebrows furrowed, studying me from head to toe. Disconcerted, her eyes read through me like an open book, then she moved away from the door:
- Go in, c'mon. If your remorse isn't sincere, I'll get rid of you without delay.
Silence watching over his sleep, Shinji laid down on a cot bed, enveloped in a thick blanket to keep him warm. He was at peace drifting away far beyond the border between reality and the dreamworld. Yet, tears rolled down his diaphanous cheeks.
I went to tidy his long and greasy uncut hair and tuck it in the small of his back. My hands' touch woke him up. He startled seeing me. Surprisingly, he did not immediately call Gwendoline for help. Instead, he threw himself into my arms all of a sudden, pulling me close to his chest.
- I was scared... so scared they'd shove you in, once more... he cried, holding onto me as if a single brisk word could take away this idle moment of intimacy at any minute.
In my turn, I hugged him awkwardly, unguarded. Our hearts beat as one under thunderous skies. We grasped onto each other to where birthed the rising tide, portending a storm coming, battling against restless, unstoppable waves. Just by feeling safe between Shinji's arms, being held with tenderness, sorrowful memories, among other tragic recollections, from the pre-Gathering era, resurfaced.