Ecdysiast || PJM 🔞

Chapter 36: Broken Her

She whimpered and pulled away as he started to use a hand to squeeze her thigh. Chanyeol felt his heart break after she resisted from him and that didn't leave Jiwon's eyes after seeing the pain on them. She sighed, feeling even more guilty.

Maybe just one night won't hurt. She told herself while still staring at a broken Chanyeol. He's not crying but his eyes spoke of the pain and confusion. Jiwon bit her lip before closing her eyes and pulling Chanyeol closer to her, wrapping her arms on him. She kissed his lips, thinking that her guilt will go away. Chanyeol responded, kissing her back immediately.

Maybe having sex with a doctor was a benefit since they are very mindful of the human anatomy because Jiwon started to feel herself getting aroused by just him touching her body even that she forgot how she used to be like this with Jimin and how nervous and shy she was feeling earlier from the way that he made her feel so good.

And so it happened. They had sex with Jiwon's permission thinking that this activity could make her guilt fly away.

She just lays there in the bed after, heavily breathing as she thinks about what she just actually did. Chanyeol took the oppurtunity to spoon her closer to him that he could feel her ass on his bare skin. He lightly squeezed her hip. Jiwon kept herself quiet, suddenly regretting everything and feeling disgusted with herself.

'I am a complete slut now, aren't I?' She asked herself. 'I gave my body to him.' She started to silently cry but luckily, Chanyeol has already fallen asleep, feeling happy inside, that's why he wasn't able to hear her small sobs anymore.

He's happy, but Jiwon started feeling disgusted with herself for having sex with someone she doesn't even love. She gave him the permission and yet she still feels wrong. The fact that she's somehow playing with his feelings was also making the guilt in her to fire up even more.

She's starting to feel confused about herself. She can no longer find and answer what she truly is or who she truly is as a person.

All this messed up emotions gathering inside her mind, it's making her head hurt so bad.

She feels hopeless and useless ㅡ worthless once again, but she can never blame anyone but herself this time. She was desperate at that time when she took the risk of cheating behind Jimin and being with Chanyeol because of her love for Dawon. Her mind just went blank. She was so desperate to treat Dawon.

'Can this still be fixed?' She asked herself. She's finally broken. She's once again the broken girl that she used to be years ago after taking the job as a stripper ㅡ the job that she despises because of a painful memory. She was able to fix herself before after convincing herself from her worth and dignity as a person, but maybe not anymore.

***

After that night, everything that she acted around people were fake, particularly her smile. She's acting happy even if she feels so empty inside. She did regret letting him have sex with her but it wasn't a forceful intercourse that she can blame no one but herself again. She thought it can make the guilt go away which did happen but that guilt was replaced by disgust; she's disgusted with herself for turning into a woman that she despises and every emotion that she tried leaving behind just suddenly bursted out from the bubble where it was all hidden.

Every night, she would cry herself to sleep, thinking about how stupid she was. She wants to blame Dawon for being the reason why she did this to herself yet she can't knowing that the decision of leaving Jimin for another man because of money was made by her. In any area she was looking at to find the true answers and true people to blame, it will still take her to her own self because she's the only person who started her own mess.