With Love, Étienne | ✓

Epilogue

11.54PM Saturday, December 31st

Baker Street Avenue,

Ireland

Dear Louella,

I've resorted to writing this letter because I'm not sure on how else to talk to you. I know it's been a year since we've last seen each other and I won't lie and say I don't miss you. I do. A lot. You'll have to forgive the awkwardness of this - this is my first time writing a letter and I'm not exactly sure on what I'm going to say.

I guess I should start with how are you? Are you doing well? How's uni and everything going for you? I hope whatever you're doing now, you're happy and healthy. My parents told me you're graduating this year. Congratulations! I know we promised each other that we would be there on our graduation days, and I'm sorry that I won't get to be there. Take a lot of pictures for me, okay? If this doesn't get lost in the post, I'd love to see them. Honestly, I'm not even sure if I have the right address but I'm praying this doesn't end up at some random house (p.s. if you're reading this and you're not lou please throw this away).

Anyway, your mom told me you're doing well. She told me you've even started writing a lot. I'm glad. Maybe one day I could read some of it? Only if you're comfortable with it, of course. Apparently you've moved out of your aunts house but she promised me she would pass this on to you. They wouldn't give me your address, so I'm hoping that she doesn't read this because that would be embarrassing.

Things have been okay here. It's been lonely without you though. I miss seeing you everyday. I don't really have anyone left to talk to. I think I'll be leaving here soon too. I can't stay here anymore. I understand why you left, and I think it's too much for me now. If you ever come back and can't find me. . . well, that's the reason why. It's funny because we both talked about how this was our home and we joked about how we were going to grow old here until we terrorized the streets in our wheelchairs. Do you remember the nights where we used to sit on the porch and look up at the stars? You would always try and teach me about the different names of the constellations, but I was always busy looking at you. You were my sky, Lou, and everything in it. Now that you're gone, there's nothing here for me either..

I still remember every moment between us like the script of a movie. It replays in my mind every night until I can't fall asleep. The way your cheeks would always flush this beautiful, pink colour when I complimented you. Or the way you would smile so widely when I told you a corny joke and your dimple would pop. And now, as I'm writing this outside, alone, the memories are nothing but a ghost now. The ghost of you, the ghost of your smile and the ghost of your love. I would give anything to go back just to relive one more moment with you.

If there's one thing I want to tell you, it's that I love you. I've been wanting to say that you for the past year (or five) and it's nice to finally get it off my chest. I'm in love with you, Lou and I think I always will be. I didn't know just how hard I was going to fall for you but I guess that's the beauty of it. I didn't mean to either, I swear. But ever since you smiled at me when we were kids, I was a goner. I guess I'll always be the one who loves you more but I'm okay with that - so long as you're okay.

You're special to me, Lou, and you always will be. You're the only person I would stay awake until the crack of dawn to talk to, the only person I would never get tired of talking to. Even now, you cross my mind every day and I wonder how you're doing. I wonder if you're thinking about me how I'm thinking about you. I'm not sure if I can explain in words just how much you mean to me, but you're the one person I'm terrified of losing. Without you, time has lost its meaning. I hate to wake up to a reality where you don't exist.

I used to pray for us to be alone, because I envisioned that we'd never run out of things to say.
But on that day, the last day as far as I'm concerned, we sat in a room full of goodbyes and leavings, and found nothing on earth to say. I still think about what happened, but it's less painful now. I think about it less and less in fact, it's just a feeling that comes back sometimes, an emotion I still can't quite control, the reminiscing of some buried memories that accidentally wander through my mind. I hope it's the same for you.

When we used to stay up all night on the phone and talk, it was that feeling that captured me and drew me in. The feeling of slowly falling in love without even realizing it. I don't know if you remember, but I used to ramble on about all these different stories. You would always laugh and I loved hearing that sound. Soon, it became the only sound I wanted to hear. You told me you liked pineapple on your pizza, and I disagreed with you for an hour. You told me skittles made you feel sick but that you ate them anyway because they tasted sweet.

I miss that time.

That was the moment I realized I loved you. You were never going to love me back, at least not in the way I wanted you to. I knew that - everyone did. And I was okay with that. Still, I know I'll never be able to love someone the same way I love you. Soon (or maybe even now) you've forgotten who I am. You'll forget the sound of my voice and the colour of my eyes. You'll forget how much I loved the squidward hoodie of yours that had a million paint splatters on it. You might even walk past me and not recognize me.

And that's okay. I came to terms with all of this years ago. I know now that you won't be there in the future - that we simply have none together. Our paths run parallel to each other and their chances of crossing again are thin. You seem to have forgotten me, maybe not quite, maybe not completely, but enough for me not to feel waited for anymore. It's about time I stopped waiting in vain and hoping against hope for you to come back.

I guess I should start ending this now. I've rambled on enough as it is. Lou, wherever you are in the world, I hope you're well. I want you to be well and happy. Even if that's not with me, that's all I've ever wanted for you. For now, I think it's time to move on myself. Someone suggested I write you this letter, and I guess here I am, as a last-ditch effort to move past everything. I've spent too long regretting and overthinking everything and I'm tired. This place holds too many memories - some good and some bad, but I don't think I can grow as a person if I stay here. Thank you for being the most incredible person alive and for helping me become a better person. I wouldn't be the man I am today without you, truly. You make me proud to be alive and I'm glad I got to call you my best-friend for the better part of twenty years. There's no-one I would have rathered to spend all this time with, and I don't regret a single second of it.

Goodbye Louella. Take care, okay? Maybe one day we'll meet again and we can start over as friends.

Until then,

With love,

Étienne