With Love, Étienne | ✓

Part II: Chapter Three

"YOU OKAY? YOU LOOK A LITTLE DAZED."

Kai  peered over at me  from the counter, resting his face in his hand. He  looked concerned,  with his brows pulled in to a tightly knitted frown.  My head felt stuffy, with my thoughts running a hundred miles per hour  and I wasn't able to slow them down enough to give myself time to think  rationally. All I could do was stare down at my phone. I wasn't sure if I  was waiting for his notification to pop up, or whether I was waiting to  gain the courage to send a message first. My hands were practically  itching to do so. But something was holding me back.

Perhaps  it was the  nervousness of it all. He seemed to be doing well with his  life and he  looked happy. What if I screwed that up for him? I thought I  had been  doing the right thing by leaving. I wanted him to be able to  experience  life without my constant trail of darkness always holding  him back. He  had a family now, a daughter to look after and care for.  Back then, he involved himself too much with me. It wasn't fair on him  and I felt guilty for burdening him with my problems. It was one of the  main reasons I left. I knew he would've talked me around had I talked to  him about this. But then again,  we were only ever friends. A simple  friendship couldn't hurt him or his  daughter.

The  thought of him  having a daughter was strange. It didn't weird me out,  but it made me realize just how much the both of us had matured and  moved on with our  lives. It was jarring, but seeing the amount of love  he seemed to  display for her, I had no doubt he was an incredible  father figure for  her. Étienne had the face of  someone you only had to  look at once and you would forever remember - he  was the same man I  had met when I all-but a child, and even now, as an  adult, he hadn't  changed. It felt like I had been zapped into the past  and I wasn't  twenty-seven anymore -- I was back in college, thinking I  was about to  go through the funnest years of my life.

What a joke that had been.

"Sorry, my head is a little frazzled right now." I apologized and tapped my temple. "A lot going on up here."

Kai nodded in understanding. "That's okay. If you want to talk about it though. . . I'm here."

He  was always there and I  didn't think I would ever be able to express to  him just how much I  appreciated him. He wasn't one to tell me what I  wanted to hear, rather,  what I needed to. Sometimes, I wondered if I  was under-appreciating  him. He didn't like to talk about himself so  much as he liked talking  about me. I wanted him to be able to come to  me with anything too, but I  couldn't force him either. I had been lucky  enough to meet Kai, and our  friendship was something I'd never  sacrifice for anything.

"Right, well. . . I ran into someone yesterday." I started, carefully choosing my words. "An old friend, if you will."

An old friend was a bit  of an understatement to describe us. We were more  than friends. On some  level, romantically or platonically, we were  soulmates. There was  something that simply clicked with us. We just  made sense. I didn't have  to sit around and question his intentions,  ever. He was, and probably  would be, the only man who I would trust to  walk me home at night and  never have to even worry about anything  happening. The sense of comfort,  knowing he knew everything about me  and I knew everything about him was  something I hadn't experienced with  anyone else.

"Okay." He said. "Were you two close or something?"

"You could say that, yeah." I smiled, but it faded. "But it's been five years since I last saw them."

Kai  kept his face  impassive as he thought. His eyes would always glance  downwards when he  was in thought and a small crinkle would appear  between his brows before  he would press his lips together and speak.

"Right. . . Well, did you find it weird to see them after that long?"

"Kind of?" I tilted my head in thought. "I don't know. On one hand, it felt strange, you know? But then, it also felt right?"

He  nodded in agreement.  "I mean, I'd say it's pretty normal to feel that  way, especially if you  haven't seen them in that long. But I'm not sure  what the problem is?  You look like you're conflicted about something."

"Well,  I. . . I don't  know if it's the right thing to do to let them back  into my life." I  heaved a sigh. "I think we've both come so far and  aren't some things  better left in the past?"

"It  depends." He mused,  "Whether you two are able to move past whatever  happened and not let it  affect your current relationship. If either of  you can't, then it's  probably better to leave it behind."

"You think?" I gnawed on my bottom lip.

I  had already left the  friendship in the past, but it somehow still  found a way into my  present. My brain was trying to trick me into  believing that this was  somehow fate -- that it meant something. But I  didn't want to read into  simple coincidences as destiny. We just  happened to run into one another  and said hi. There was no need to make  a bigger deal out of a tiny  interaction, right?

Kai studied my reaction. "I guess that wasn't the answer you wanted?"

"No, no." I shook my head. "It's not like that. I don't know. I'm just a bit confused."

"Don't  rush into it if  you're not comfortable." He advised. "Take your time. I  take it they're  not going anywhere anytime soon, right?"

"Right." I agreed. "No, you're right."

"Exactly."  He hummed. "Don't stress yourself out thinking about every single  possible outcome. If you guys were good friends, then I think you'll  find re-connecting will be easier than you think."

When  Kai excused himself  to use the bathroom, I stared at my phone. The  dark screen of the phone  was basically screaming at me to use it and  send the message. To  distract myself, I crossed my arms together and  tried to count the  number of tiles on the floor while my leg bounced up  and down. I wasn't going to  message him. I was going to wait until at  least another day or two when I  could think with a clearer head. It was  only fair to him that way. It  was my choice to say goodbye to him, but  I didn't want to be selfish and  play with his emotions like that. To  hear his name, hurt a little. To  feel our eyes lock left a strange  twist in my heart because what even  were we anymore? What right did I  even have to think about him?

We  had all heard the  story of how if we threw a coin into a fountain and  made a wish, it  would come true. Admittedly, I had tried that. I tried,  countless times,  in fact. But my wishes never seemed to come true.

I wished that we had stayed friends.

I wished that we didn't part ways.

I wished that I could give him the love he deserved.

I wished I could be happy.

I wished that my memory of the past could be erased somehow.

He  watched as I cried,  my mascara trailing down my cheeks. He saw the  tears leave my eyes and  my heart shatter – and he stayed. He saw all of  my sides, the dark and  the light. And it didn't bother him. Was that  love? In my early teenage  years, I was desperate to be one of those  girls. The ones that  were naturally beautiful, bodies curved, voices  delicate and soft and  doe-like eyes that would melt even the coldest of  hearts. I wanted to be  that girl that every guy wanted. But now,  looking back, I was foolish. I  thought giving myself away was how to  make a man fall in love with you.  I thought if I did, it would make  them want to stay with me, and  perhaps keep loving me. But, that wasn't  love. I knew that now. I  realized, I wasn't being loved, I was being  used and all those years I  wasted meant nothing.

At  least now, I  understood the true beauty of life, but in that truth,  laid terrifying  shadows. Yet somehow, he made those shadows seem not-so  terrifying.

And so, with a few clicks, I sent the first message.

15.32 LOUELLA: hi.

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