Don't Play With My Heart - A Jai Brooks Fan Fiction (Watty Awards 2014)

Chapter 21: Carry You

Tamara’s POV

As the cold jelly was wiped off my stomach, the doctor was talking to me about what I had to do but none of the words were registering in my mind; her lips were moving but I could hear no sound. The same sentence kept repeating over and over in my head, like an everlasting echo of sorrow.

"I am so sorry Ms Summers. We’ve been unable to find your baby on the ultrasound. I’ll give you two a moment before I wipe you down.”

I didn’t even realise Jai had spoken while the doctor was away. I saw his hand on top of mine but I couldn’t feel it. My whole body was numb and it wasn’t from the medication I had been given. It was my body shutting down and trying to cope with the information I had just heard. Not one hour ago, I was laughing and joking with a tiny person inside of me. Now I was empty of both emotions and life. I didn’t know what to say so I didn’t speak the whole time that I was being discharged. On the way out to the car, Jai gestures for me to hold one of the boys hands as we cross the road but I can’t. I can barely even walk myself without another person depending on me. I shake my head and hope he understands why.

I buckle myself in and wait for Jai to secure the boys in the back. The car is filled with silence on the way home. All I can focus on was how easy it was supposed to be for me to care for a tiny child protected by my body and I couldn’t even do that. All I had to do was take care of myself but I failed at the simplest task of all. I’d let Jai down and I’d let myself down. I had one task and for some reason or another I was not good enough to complete it. I’d failed.

When we got home, Charlotte was there waiting. Jai went over and spoke to her, probably letting her know that the boys were fine and maybe telling her about me, but at this point I didn’t care. I walked past everyone and headed inside. I practically ran to my room and when I reached the bed, the tears began to fall. I curled up in a ball and just let them come. I let it all out, all the emotion I was too afraid to show to two small children. How was I ever going to be a mother if I couldn’t even show my true feelings in front of people?

I didn’t know how long I was in there crying before I felt Jai wrap his arms around me. He bowed his head to my shoulder and I felt it was wet; it was soaked through with tears. Through all of this I had never thought once what he must be going through. I’d been so selfish. I’d been the worst girlfriend ever.

“I’m so sorry Jai. I’m so sorry I couldn’t protect our baby,” I sobbed.

“Tamara look at me,” he said.

I uncurled myself from him and looked into his tear-glistened eyes. They seemed to have lost their usual sparkle and that just made fresh tears well up in my eyes. I had never seen him this upset. I had no idea how much this baby had meant to him.

“This is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. The doctor said this is common for this stage, and there is nothing that you could have done to prevent it. It just wasn’t meant to be. Maybe it was a sign, saying that we weren’t ready for her yet. But one day we will be and you will be the best mother,” he said soothingly.

“Her, huh?” I said, smiling through the tears at his reassuring words.

“Yes, absolutely. I knew in my heart that it was a little baby girl,” he answered, “one day we are going to have a little girl. And a little boy if you want.”

“You want that? With me?” I asked.

“Of course with you. This was just a trial run and you’ve passed. Not that I doubted you at all,” he half-chuckled, wiping away my tears with his thumbs, “that’s if you’ll have me that long.”