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Anywho, let's go back to the rest of the discussions about descriptions.
Next up is the way the character, Scarlett, simply narrates the entire scenario. Don't fret though! I really like the intricacy of it all, I'm glad you added their gestures and described what the two of them are doing, but this is where a part of my criticism lies.
It's telling too much, especially about the gestures part. Remember that every moment counts as something of great importance. If what Heath or Scarlett are doing aren't that important, then it's okay if you give them time to rest. An example for this is on Chapter 1, those gestures with the hand and constant back and forth of the action. Instead, you could've given time to add life to the things around. Describe the surroundings! What did the room look like? What did it smell like? Are there pieces of dust motes on a few furniture that hadn't been used? While we're still on the first chapter, it's important that we know where we are. It's okay not to focus on Heath too much. You're giving us this impression that her life almost revolves around the man and she can't describe anything without him in the background. Show us what's going on!
By the way, I loved the way you added that little showing of Heath's inner feelings by Scarlett's thoughts. It's a brilliant way to show how close they had become over the course of almost eight years of acquaintance.
Grammar: 2.5/5
This is probably where most of my everything adds, so buckle up!
The grammar isn't that shabby, in fact it's actually readable and complex (I've said this in the previous corner), but there are still a lot of mistakes on the side that need to be polished.
1. First of all, there are your sentences. They're long, right? It's like each separate sentence is a paragraph. In those are some strange words I've encountered that — in my opinion — don't exist:
*shooking
*weired
(The "weired," word is somehow kinda okay, but if I remember correctly, phrases like, "I'm so SHOOKED," are just made for fun, and that shooking word doesn't exist. Maybe you meant, "shaking"?)(The "weired," word is somehow kinda okay, but if I remember correctly, phrases like, "I'm so SHOOKED," are just made for fun, and that shooking word doesn't exist. Maybe you meant, "shaking"?)
I really had to screenshot them long sentences. Sorry about that, but I want to point them out as clearly as possible.
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2. Take a look at the second paragraph. Yes, the figure of speech one. I still have no idea if Scarlett's into poetical words, but this doesn't sound right in a story of love and secretaries and bosses. If we're going to be talking about realism, I don't think anyone would compare themselves to the "casual" moon, either.
In relevance to the genre, maybe you can make her thoughts more practical, like this:
"Grabbing all my wits, I slowly turned around, my face as guarded as an experienced gambler's before tucking a lock of hair behind my ear."
