Ryden Oneshots

Aliens In America

“Uh, well, I have a memory.” Really, where was Spencer? “We all do. Right?”

“You all do, do you?” Brendon smiled smugly, looking shrewd.

“Do you have something in your eye?” asked Ryan.

“What?”

“You're squinting.”

“I'm looking shrewd,” Brendon informed. “It's a human expression that you may not be familiar with. I think we should date.”

It was Ryan's turn to ask “What?”, which he did, his voice going just a little bit squeaky. Brendon mentally noted down the discrepancy in tone as a sign of bugs in the programming.

“We should date, because I think you're cute,” he elaborated, making another note of Ryan's complete incapability to find an appropriate response. Obviously he'd managed to breach an area with this blitz attack—not foreseen and prepared for. Ah-ha! It wouldn't be long until he could expose Ryan as the alien he obviously was.

Alien Investigation, Day Four.

There is a great possibility in this. By acting out a courtship I will have opportunity to observe the subject at close quarters for long periods of time. He's going to give himself away sooner or later—he's already slipping up far more than he ought. Not a very successful alien.

This plan depends, however, on RR understanding the ritual of human courtship. As it is, he mostly seems confused. I think it might be a good idea to introduce him to the idea gently.

Ryan found Spencer sitting at a table in the library, engrossed in The Wall Street Journal. “Someone just anonymously sent me Wikipedia articles on courtship,” he informed.

“I'm sorry?”

“With comments. Here's a good one: Woo can also refer to a drink. Buying someone a Woo Woo cocktail can in fact be a good way to woo someone. Also, if you add orange juice to it you get Sex on the Beach. This last sentence is very funny for reasons we will discuss further on. You may want to look up the word double entendre in your memory bank as preliminary research.”

“That is truly trippy,” Spencer determined, not looking up from his paper. “You're still going to see him?”

Ryan coloured gently. “It's just lunch,” he said.

“Bring your tinfoil, the guy might be recruiting. I hear they value preparedness.”

“He's just kind of weird,” Ryan said defensively. “He's not, like, paranoid or delusional or anything.”

“And garlic.”

“Fuck you,” Ryan said lovingly and left.

“Not delusional,” Spencer said to the guy across from him. “The guy thinks Ryan is something not human and Ryan calls it kind of weird. I mean, What's-his-face—”

“Brendon.”

“—Brendon is cute and all, but he seems to be more than just weird. In fact, if I had to put money on who was not entirely human, I'd go for him.”

“But Brendon is entirely human,” said Jon Walker. “I'm sure of that.”

Spencer stared at him, exasperated. “Where are you from again?” he asked.

“Outer Space,” Jon replied.

“Chicago, huh?” Spencer said. “I feel your pain.”

“This is a movie theatre,” Brendon said, waving a hand at the same. “It's a place where humans go for dates. It's also a great place for sneakily making out. Do you know what making out is? Oh yeah, I sent you the article, right?”