Unsteady

38 | Unsteady

I'm waiting.

I'm waiting.

And it's agonizing.

How...How do I...How am I supposed to...

No one gave me a handbook for this kind of thing. There's no manual on how to handle losing someone you love. I don't know what I'm supposed to do once it's...

I push it all to the back of my mind. I don't want to think about it. I can't let my head be overridden with those kinds of thoughts right now. There are more important things.

Ollie inches closer to me and I hug him tightly. I can feel his breath pass my throat. It's faint. And it's getting fainter. When he coughs, it's the worst sound I've ever heard. I rest my cheek on Ollie's head, stroking his hair.

"Thank you." His voice comes out as a wheeze. "Thank you for bringing me here. I'm...I'm grateful I'm spending my wish with you."

I lean back slightly to look at him. For the first time, I see complete and utter exhaustion. I see a loss of fight in him. But I also see content in his ocean eyes—blue eyes that aren't quite blue but aren't quite green either, but are losing the glow that always made my heart skip. I see ease in them.

No. 

No, I don't see a loss of fight in those eyes. I don't see surrender. I see someone who has laid down their arms because there isn't a need to fight anymore.

"You've changed my life, Ollie. You've changed me for the better. I can't explain how unbelievably happy I am having met you."

Ollie's upper lip lifts slightly. Weakly. "I'm happy I met you, too."

There isn't enough time or enough words to express how much I love him. About how deeply he's changed me. How I don't know what I'll do after the end comes.

I don't know how to say that I hate him for leaving me. That I resent him for choosing to abandon me. But I don't know how to say that I understand why.

I don't know how to say to him that I don't think I can make it through the epilogue of our story. I don't know how to say to him that I want more time. That I need more time. 

Please give me more time.

Please.

I hug him close to me again so he can't see my lip quiver. So he can't see how lost I am.

I plant a kiss on top of his head. "Don't leave me. Please. Please don't go where I can't follow."

He can't go. He can't leave me. He's too much of me now. How am I supposed to keep on going when a part of my soul is dying?

The tears choke me. 

Everything hurts. 

Every breath and heartbeat is absolute torture.

Ollie eases his hand under mine. I intertwine our fingers because I know he doesn't have the strength to do it anymore. He barely has any left to touch my chin with delicate hands as he turns my head to face him.

Why? 

Why him? 

How am I supposed to live in a world so cruel? How am I supposed to wrestle with the thought of how whoever the hell is upstairs thinks it's okay to take him away from those that love him? From me?

It's not fair.

It is not fair.

Ollie wipes my tears away with a gentle smile that shatters me. "Hey. I'm not going anywhere. This view is too beautiful."

He kisses me, and it is heartache beyond anything I thought imaginable.

"I love you, Nick."

The sun disappears behind the hills. The stars begin twinkling in a steadily darkening sky. They shine extra brightly tonight for Ollie, as if they're greeting him and welcoming him into their fold.

I know Ollie thinks that. I can see it when he moves from my shoulder and chest to lay his head in my lap.

"Do you feel unsteady?" he asks me.

I part my lips, digging for an answer I don't think I have.

I've always felt so unsteady. I've always felt like I'm teetering on the edge of everything. Like I'm on the fringe of a cliff, so willing to jump into whatever lies below, but pleading for someone to pull me back.

I'm scared I'll always be unsteady. That when I finally lose him, I'll be unsteady forever.

Do you ever get that feeling of floating in the ocean without a life vest and there's no islands in sight? I feel that all the time. Until I met you. There's something about you, Oliver. I can't put my finger on what it is, but I just feel so...free around you.

I still think about those words I'd said on the beach that night. I think about them a lot.

Back then, I couldn't figure out what it was about Ollie that made me feel like I've got a handle on my life. But I do now. I finally understand.

Ollie is the life vest. He's the person standing on the edge with me who pulls me back when I get too close. He's the stability I've always looked for.

I don't feel unsteady. I feel steadier than I've ever felt. And I feel that because of him.

"No," I finally reply. "Do you?"

"No." He angles his head to look at me. "How can I be unsteady when I have you?"

I stroke his hair. I run my fingers through them. I brush my fingers across his cheek as I watch his eyes close.

"I love you, Ollie. You can rest now." My eyes roll up to the stars. "Forever and always."

AUTHOR NOTE: Hey, guys! Aaaaaand now I'm in tears! Ahhh, this was so hard to write! I hate it when my babies die, but I do feel like this was a perfect ending for Ollie.

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