Dear diary: How do I heal his broken heart?; Choi Soobin

s e v e n

"Soobin" I call his name, he looks up at me from above. The air gets stuck on my throat at his gaze, so I swallow thickly. "Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah, what is it?" He finally says. I divert my gaze from his eyes, the shyness is too much to look at his brown eyes.

"You... Feel alone, right?"

I see his eyes looking back at Eggbert with the corner of my eyes. He takes a deep breath, taking a moment to answer to my question.

"Yeah." He mutters. "More than I'd like sometimes."

A stinging pain appears in my chest at his words, the way his tone lowered shows how hard it is for him to admit it.

"What about your family? Yeonjun?"

"My parents are busy. They work really hard for me and my siblings, and Yeonjun hyung is great, but he has Suri and I don't really want to be a third wheel."

I bite the insides of my cheek, tucking my hair behind my ear.

"But Suri is great, I'm sure she wouldn't mind." I assure, playing with my fingers against my pelvis, making sure to not touch him or making him feel uncomfortable.

"I know, she's nice, but... I don't know, it wouldn't feel right." He sighs, with Eggbert asleep over his chest.

"What about your friends?"

He looks up at me again, our eyes locking for a moment, making my stomach flip.

"Am I bothering you? If you're not comfortable with me being around this much, you can tell me. It's totally fine, I can stop." He says, still looking at me. A lump forms on my throat and I feel my heartbeats in my ears as I widen my eyes.

"No, no!" I say a lot louder than I should and shaking my hands in fear that he misunderstood my questions. "That's not it, I swear. You're always welcome in my house. I'm alone most of the time since my parents are working overseas anyways." I respond, feeling the heat raising over my cheeks in embarrassment when I notice I sounded desperate. I clear my throat "It's just that... I've noticed you're being distant with them."

He lets out a breathy chuckle, scrunching his nose and his eyes getting smaller. He looks so cute that I automatically smile with him.

Soobin grabs my hand that was placed on my lap and places it over his head, pressing my fingers slightly so they dig in his light brown locks. My eyes shot open in shock as he looks in front of me, not noticing my expression.

He wants me to run my fingers through his hair.

He starts speaking. I take a deep breath and hesitantly start moving my hand to ruff his hair gently.

"I just don't feel like hanging out with anyone. They don't understand how I feel, so they tease me, and the teasing makes me angry as hell." He explains.

I run my fingers smoothly through his locks, amazed by how soft his hair is. With every move, I feel him more and more relaxed, and the soft smell of his shampoo fills my nose. He always smells so nice. My hands are shaking, and my heart is racing, but he doesn't seem to notice.

"Then... Why would you hang out with me?" I ask, genuinely curious "I'm not a fun person you know?" I add, chuckling.

He shrugs, sighing contently.

"You never ask anything from me, and you were the only one who actually worried about how I felt." He responds, his voice softer as he speaks. "All my friends would've just called me a crybaby and tell me I should find another girl."

I don't say anything. A weird feeling starts growing inside me, I didn't know something so simple mattered this much to him.

"You could say I feel comfortable with you." He suddenly adds. My cheeks flush and I bite my lip, trying to surpress my own smile. My chest tightens and my heart races even more. I never imagined he would say something like that to me.

"It's nothing, really" I respond, still caressing his hair. "I just did what I had to do. No one deserves to feel alone in such a bad moment."

He nods.

"What about you? Don't you feel alone here in this big house on your own? When are your parents coming back?" He asks, looking up to meet my gaze again. I look down, sighing heavily.

"Yeah, I feel alone sometimes, but I'm really used to it. I've been thinking about adopting a dog, so this house wouldn't feel so big." I confess. "They'll be back in a month, probably stay a couple of weeks and then leave again." I smile "But now that Eggbert is here, and you've been visiting me, I don't feel so alone." I add.

Soobin suddenly sits up, turning his body to face me as he holds Eggbert in one of his large hands. He looks me straight in the eyes, and the distance between us being short makes me stop breathing. His dark orbits are piercing my whole body, and I can see a fire burning inside them. He smiles widely, with it reaching his eyes. His sweet cologne fills my nostrils and takes me to another universe as he lifts his hand and pats my head softly.

"I'm glad I make you feel better. You've done a lot for me, thank you for that." He says, standing up right after and walking towards Eggbert's box to place him inside. "And a dog is always a wonderful idea. I love dogs, they're loyal." He assures from the distance, I stay still, frozen and with my face burning in red, my heart trapped in my throat as I blink a couple of times with my palms over my chest, still not getting over his closeness seconds ago.

When he comes back, he grabs his bag and places it over his shoulder. I turn my face and look at him, standing there with his hands in his pockets and his pouty, pink lips looking plump and soft.

What am I doing? Stop.

I stand up quickly, with my hands laced in front of my stomach. The height difference forces me to look up, and him to look down. He smiles.

"I better leave now, I have to study." He says, I nod.

He turns around and walks towards the door with me following behind. He opens the door and I hold it open whilst he walks out, turning again to wave at me.

"Thank you for helping me with maths." I smile at him, bowing.

He bows back.

"Whenever you need." He says. "I'll see you around." He adds, waving again and leaving. "And call me if you're going to adopt a dog!" He shouts across the hall, making me giggle.

I close the door behind me, and cover my face with my hands letting out a huge breath. I can't control my heartbeats and my hands from sweating, I'm smiling like an idiot. This is how I feel any time we're this close. We didn't even do anything special, but I still feel this was one of the best days I've had. Him saying he wanted to hang out with me because he feels comfortable with me was the best compliment I could've asked for. The way he's being cold around everyone but with me keeps being gentle warms my heart, and his smile still gives me butterflies. Oh, hell.

You're thanking me for wiping your tears, I should thank you for making me feel. It's scary, I've never felt it before... But I feel alive. What are you doing to me? We're just friends, you're not looking for more, you've never wanted me to feel this way, but I do. I want you all the time.

I like you, I definitely do... More than I probably should.