What Ronan said was equivocal but it has an effect on me. Tumingin ako sa kaniya at seryoso lang ang kaniyang mata habang nakatingin sa akin. Magsasalita pa sana ako ngunit dumating na ang aking mga kaibigan na may dalang pagkain para sa akin. I took it and smiled at them. Sinulyapan ko ulit si Ronan at ngumiti sa akin. It was sincere, I knew it. And in the midst of my pain, the side of my lips tucked upward.
During the burial of my Mother, I was idle— seemed like I had lost in an abyss of nothingness. People in our sittio condoled for the death of my Mother as they gathered during the nights to make some talk about my parents and how tragic their life had been. They thought it was a tragic love story but no, it was actually a very beautiful love story. The love of my Mother for my Father was strong and unfaltering. However, they will think it was tragic because technically, they had both succumbed.
The day after the death of my Mother, our relatives went to mourn. They always asked me if I was okay or how was the progress of coping with this predicament. Even I know that I wasn't moving at all, I was just saying that I was in the verge of accepting that they had already died and will not be able to see me wearing a graduation gown. When they were telling me that I should rest after the prayer of the elderlies, I just nod and go to my room but they were not aware that I was crying... idle for a moment... reminiscing... then crying again.
Sa libing ng aking ina, nanatili ako sa kanilang puntod buong araw. Ronan and my friends wanted to stay with me but neither of them I let. I wanted to be alone. As I stared on their graves— mother buried beside my father's and brother's grave.
"Ang daya n-niyo... iniwan niyo na ako dito." I said as my eyes kept on producing tears. "For sure, you are all happy with Him."
Hindi ko talaga mapigilan ang sarili kong umiyak. As the scalding sun settled in the middle of the sky and the trees outlined the horizon, I kept my heart being shattered over and over again. I could feel the twinge the sun was sending through my skin. I know after this, I was all red and sunburned. However, it didn't bother me. I just want to have a time with them. When the wind blew with pure oddity, it sent a shiver down my spine. I felt something with the wind, it seemed like it was soothing me and it was trying to mend the wound the tragedy had left me.
Shadows stretched as the embers of fire took over the horizon. The wind during the dusk was caressing and soothing. Hindi ko namamalayan ang oras. Hindi pala nakakabagot umupo pag gusto mong gawin ang isang bagay. The time was not enough, I wanted to stay here but I knew I need to go home for my child. I had my baby in my womb and I had to make sure that nothing bad will ever happen to him.
Tumayo ako at nagdesisyong umalis na. I said my bid of goodbyes to my Family and after which I hobbled down the cemetery to get a tricycle. Nang nakasakay na ako ay agad akong umuwi. Sa pag-uwi ko ay mas malala pala ang mararamdaman ko. I felt a wave of loneliness wash over me as I wandered our house. It was dark— literally and figuratively. My feelings were off-kilter. There was missing and it was the radiance of a content and happy family I used to admire as I grew up.
I flicked on the light and sauntered to my room. Mamaya na ako magluluto. I need to rest for a while hence I made a beeline to my room. When I switched on the light, my eyes instantly drifted to the yellow paper that was folded three times that was placed on the mini table I had in my room. Ngayon ko lang 'to nakita, a? Or I just didn't notice it because I was too busy mourning? I don't know. Ano kaya ito? Wala naman akong natatandaan na nagsulat ako? Or was this from Ronan?
Agad akong lumapit at tinignan ang papel. My name was written in front of the paper. It sent me a sense of curiosity within me. Binuklat ko ang tupi at halos madurog ang puso ko sa paunang salitang nakasulat. It was a letter from my Mother to me! Damn it!
Kabanata 39
Magsimula sa umpisa
