When I first Knew.

When I first knew he loved me

After that, it happened more often. The nightly visit in the bathroom became a weekly thing. Sometimes it felt good. Loving, but sometimes it felt rough, and like punishment. 

I liked the moments he whispered sweet words in my ear, how he called me handsome. Stroke through my hair. Made me feel better. 

I did not like the pain, the hard words. But he told me I deserved it. I trusted him. I believed him. 

Maybe... No, Cedric was right. I deserved the pain. I deserved to be treated rough. I liked it. He said he could see I liked it. 

I hurt him, so he hurt me. But just in a different way. We were different sides of the same coin. According to him, we were equal... He asked me one time:

He slammed me against the sink. "You like it rough, don't you." I just swallowed. 

"Answer me, Harry"

His grey eyes stared at me. And I could not escape. Did I want to escape? 

I was disoriented. I didn't even know what I did wrong this time. 

"You don't have to say it back" 

My heart was pumping remarkably fast. Is this what a heart attack feels like?  

Does he love me? 

He did not want me for a long time. Why does he now? It's like I see him for the very first time. Like I have not realised who really was. The whole time I had a different vision of him. Even though he was cold and distant. I still knew he cared about me. But love is different.

Does he love me? 

He loves me.

"I really do love you, Potter"

Not knowing why, but it hurt. It hurts when he said it. However, the pain was a sort of good hurt. I know people care about me, but I never had someone love me. Not even Cedric. I did not know if I loved him. I think so, I might. But when he looked at me, with those big grey eyes of him. I could not resist him any longer. He loved me. So I wanted him. As simple as it was. As difficult it was before. Our lips touched, our bodies touched. My hands in his hair, his hands on my hips. Heat. Clothes that get removed. I needed him close, even closer towards me. Softer moans than I was used to. But they felt more real. I saw him get aroused. I kissed him hard. 

My hands went over his body. I was never the one taking the lead. But now... here I was. Slowly kissing my way down his chest. Lower... lower. Until I heard him moan my name.

"Harry... Please"

It felt different this time. More real. I felt more like me. Every touch was careful. Soft and loving. So much to feel, to think, to be.

I kissed him again. Slowly now. My hands gently caressing all of his body. I wanted him so badly. But I wanted him to long for me. I wanted him to be desperate for me. Fuck, I wanted him to want me.

Does he love me?

Yes, he does.  

It felt rough, 

His kisses. His touch. Everything.

It was rough.

But not in a bad way.

It felt loving.

How he looked at me, how he stroked me. 

It felt like a promise.

It has never been like this. Felt more distant. 

It felt like us.

Like it was supposed to be between us. With feeling. In a way, we belonged to each other. We got each other. We understood each other. 

It felt... I don't even know. I can't find the right words. 

It just felt right. Like it is supposed to be. Like I said before.

Does he love me?

I could see he love me.  

I could see it in the way he looked at me. In the way, he touched me. How he kissed me. He truly loved me, with all of his heart.

But do I love him?

I don't know yet. Maybe I do. I did. Before... this all went wrong. I did. 

Later that day when the sun was going down Draco and I was holding hands while staring at the lake.
"So tell me, Malfoy, what is next?"
He looked at me like he did not understand a word I said. He was staring at me like I was not speaking English to him, but some foreign language.

"What is next... for us I mean? It can't go back to the way it was"

"We move forward"

And I agreed.'

----

A couple of weeks have gone by. Harry and I are happy. We belong togetherWe did not tell anyone yet. Because... people would not accept us. At least, that was something we were afraid of.... but falling asleep with him in my arms. It is the best feeling in the world.

Harry is adorable, how he lies in my arms, deep asleep. I mean, he is always adorable. But when he fell asleep in my arms. It felt like heaven, to be honest.

I never knew it could be like this. So pure.

But are we dating? I don't know. We did not discuss it yet. 

We did nothing more than kiss since the last time. We want to take things slow now. I want to show him I don't just care for him because he is good in bed. Or because he is hot. 

I care for him. All of him. His looks, his smart wise-ass, his personality.

The fact he wants to save everyone, even me. 

I love him more than I love myself. And I tell him that.

He just doesn't respond to it. It is rather painful to get silence after you say something like that to someone. But I get it. He needs time. I get it. After the things, he has experienced. I get it. 

Sometimes I just... It just eats me up sometimes. I want to know what I mean to him. 

We can still date other people. I just don't want to. I want Harry. Only him. And I need to tell him I do. 

I'm just too scared of what I might lose.