When I first Knew.

When I first gave up

What happens next? His Grey eyes feel like piercing me. I move him on his bed. Everyone is still at the party.

He drank so much. I lie him down on the bed, and he just falls asleep. 

He loves me. He just said he loved me.

No. Potter. Think. No. He does not love you. Don't be stupid. Malfoy is drunk. He does not mean a thing he is saying. He just wants you to stay. 

He tried to kiss other people. Tonight. THE SAME NIGHT.  He does not care about you. He does not know what he is saying.

I said it back, I am stupid.

I love him, and he sees me as a toy. 

He did this with his ex. And he will do the same to me. 

He will destroy me. And I will let him. 

Because I want him.

Hogwarts is my home. I know that for a fact. 

Nowhere is as safe and sound as here. The smell. The lights. The warmth. I don't even know what I missed most about Hogwarts. Or I do, actually. My friends. I missed them the most. 
I don't know how to tell them about Draco... I mean. How do I even explain these last weeks to myself?
We kissed. A lot of times. We touch. We talk. We laugh. And it is amazing.
I can't even tell them about Draco. Cause what are we even? We are not friends, we are more. We are not in a relationship, we are less.

I am driving myself crazy. I am driving him crazy. My anxiety makes us crazy.

I am afraid he will leave. Cause he does not care.

Sometimes I do think he cares. Sometimes I don't think he does.

He is warm. When we touch. When we are together. It all feels amazing. And then the night comes, when I sleep in his arms. When I wake up in the middle of the night, the cold creeps in. My mind gets fogged. Unclear. The doubting starts. I want to be with him, every time we are together 

And I can't do it anymore.

Hermione keeps asking me what is wrong. Which I can't explain.

Ron notices too. He tries to cheer me up. Even though he doesn't know.

Do I even know what is wrong? I mean. I should be happy? He cheers me up. Even when no one else can. He makes me so happy. He let me feel okay. Like it is okay to be me.

We laugh together. We talk about anything.

It is almost like a relationship. So why isn't it one?

Cause he does not want me. He doesn't want. Of course, he doesn't want me. Why would he? I mean nothing to him. To no one.

Well, my friends care. But they have other things. They belong with each other. I know that. And when they will be. They won't miss me anymore.

My family doesn't care about me. Have you seen the Dudley's? They know nothing about me. They don't want to know. They just want me to be quiet, silent, and not bother them.

So why should I try? 

I would meet up with Malfoy later. Room of requirements. But I went there. Too early, if he comes. 

Our secret hideout spot. Where no one could find us. He did not want anyone to know about us. He is right.

I am overthinking everything. I am locked up inside my own mind. Draco said I hurt him. That is the last thing I heard from him. And now he wants to meet. Why? I am so confused. I don't want to be confused anymore. It exhausts me. I just want it to stop. I want this feeling to stop. I want my mind to be quiet. I want my thoughts to silent. 

I am so tired. I don't want anything anymore.

I want to give up. 

No, I don't. There is so much. I think. Somewhere in my mind.

But I know. There is nothing. Not anymore. 

The first cut doesn't hurt.

The second does;

But I don't stop. I can't stop.

Red. Pain. Darkness.

That is all there is. 

And it is all that will be there.

Cause now it ends.