When I first Knew.

When I first doubted myself

"I don't like you seeing other people."

Harry didn't even look up from his schoolwork. "Yeah, you said that before." And he continued writing down stuff. His bed was a mess, but he liked doing homework on his bed. Something I never understood. 

"I mean it, Potter."  

Now he looked up. He rolled his eyes, continued studying. Not paying any attention to me. "Sure Malfoy" Is all he said. 

I stood up, walking towards Potter. And I said as I sat down next to him.  "Harry, listen to me."

He closed his book. Looked at me. He was silent. The room was completely silent. And then he spoke to me. "Okay, I'm listening"

I breathed in. "I want to be exclusive"

He blinked. Stared at me. And then started laughing. Potter laughed. He laughed at me. "No way."

It felt like a punch. In the face. With a chair. "Why not?"

He stopped laughing and ruffled my hair "Why would we be?"

Harry lived.

He lived.

A few weeks passed, and we spoke barely. He required rest. He required help.

I was screaming, crying in the room of requirements. My world was falling apart. My world was ending. I was so distraught. And then he suddenly moved. I carried him. And he got help. Just in time.

He has therapy now.

I haven't seen him in weeks. When he was still recovering in his bed, I visited him. I even visited him every day.

But now he has things on his minds. Things to fix. And I can't interrupt him now. Now he is recovering. He needs the rest. 

But I miss him. So much. I regret so many things I did. And if I could do it all over again. I would.
Life doesn't give second chances. But Harry might.
Harry Potter is better than me. He has always been better than me, he will always be better than me. Always. He deserves better, and still, I want him. Does that make me a bad person?  A  worse person I ever was before. I want to be "good" 

A month has passed without us speaking. Without us seeing each other. And I want to see him. But I also want what is best for him.

I used to be a lot like Harry. Enjoying pain I caused myself. To feel something other than pain from inside of me. Like Harry still does. I found a way to cope.

I have my friends. That is good, cause I can't handle being alone. Harry makes me feel less alone. Maybe that is the reason I miss him that much. 

I like his company. I do.

On bad days I wonder if it is really him I like, or if it is the fear of being alone. If this is real. If my feelings are real. And today is such a bad day. Didn't come out of bed. Didn't come to class. Didn't do anything. 

It is almost evening, and people will come back to the dorm soon. Still, don't know how to prepare for it. 

I'm doubting myself too much. I know I do. But let's be fair. I don't know anything. Yeah, I am second in class. But knowing things? I am not street smart. I wish I was.

Is it fair to Potter, if I am doubting myself? Doubting us? 

He is good. I like spending time with him, he makes me laugh. He makes me smile. He makes me feel less... alone. And I feel alone a lot. I wish I didn't. It makes no sense. I make no sense, nothing does. I don't know what to do, what to think

I can't figure it out. All I know is that I miss him. 
Should I go by his dorm? Talk to Potter?

And then, a knock on the door. 

"Pansy, I really don't have time. I know I did not show up to class today"

"It's me," a voice said quietly "Can I come in?". I would recognise his voice out of everywhere. Suprised, a bit confused. I responded, "Yeah, you can come in, Potter."

He was more beautiful than I remembered. If that would even be possible. I want him so much, it hurts. He hurts me. Love is just a beautiful hurt and I don't know if I can handle it.