When I first Knew.

When he first lied to me

"You were at this party?" he asked

"You really want to know about all of this?"  I ask, hoping he would say no. But he nodded. Oh, Merlin. How am I gonna tell him this? 

"Okay... it is a stupid and silly story," I uttered. I really don't want to tell him the story. But he deserves better than me. More than I can give him. He looks so hurt. So pained. And I want it to stop. I want him to feel better.  

"Tell me anyhow" as he looked me dead serious in the eyes. He looks so tired, done with me. I want him, I need him. And this is the only way to tell him how sorry I am.

"We were sitting at the Slytherin common room, and Pansy wanted to mess with her ex-boyfriend." I look at Harry "She wanted him to believe we made out."

Harry just nods, not expressing anything he feels.  I want to know what is going on inside his head. Is he angry? Sad? I have no idea. But I want to know.

I force myself to continue. "But my friends... they would only tell her ex if we really did kiss." Now we get the worst part. The thing that will hurt him the most. The thing I regret the most. "Pansy made everyone leave the room." My thoughts are running around in loops. DON'T TELL HIM, they scream. But I have to. I need to.

I can't look at Harry as I tell him this. I just-I just can't. "I wanted to explain- I wanted to explain I couldn't. Cause I have you! But before- I couldn't tell her. She just started kissing me. And I- I did not stop her."

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Hogwarts train, meet me there. 8 pm. -Draco

That was all the note said. It was all it said.

So now I was sitting here. Alone. At an empty train station. Like a dork. Would Draco mess with me? Set me up?

"Hey there Potter."

"Malfoy"

I turned my head as he sat down. Next to me. "Thanks for meeting me on such short notice," Draco says. He turned his head toward me to kiss my cheek. I let him.

His lips feel so soft against my face. 

I just sit there. Quietly. I watch him. Every movement he made. His hand in his hair. The blinking. I just watched him for a moment. 

"Harry, is everything alright?" Draco looked at me worried.

"Yeah I am okay" It was weird being here when it was so quiet and peaceful. But it felt right in a weird manner. "Why did you want to meet me here?"

I never thought I would be here with my nemesis. That I would sit next to Draco, discussing my feelings. My feeling about him for Merlin's sake.

"Oh, nothing? There is nothing wrong Potter, in case you assumed that; I just missed you," he says as he grabs my hand.

"You missed me?"

"Yeah, I did. Is that so hard to believe?" He smirks.

Is he laughing at me? I don't think so, but who knows. It is Draco Malfoy after all.
But he keeps smiling.
Why is he laughing?

"STOP LAUGHING AT ME" I suddenly say. More loudly than I intended.

Draco kept a straight face for a second, but then he burst out laughing again.

"WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME!?"

He wrapped me in his arms and just like that. I felt relaxed. I felt safe. At least safer. It was a curious thing. The guy who I despited, who I hated, who bullied me. Made me feel safe. Made me feel okay. Like I was worth being alive.

"You're calm again?"

"I am"

He looked at me. Oh, how he looked at me. His eyes had a certain spark of mischief. But at the same time, he looked at me like I was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. 

"We do need to discuss something, Potter," He said. 

There it is, the thing I feared. He wants to talk to me. And I have no idea what he wants to say. Or maybe I do. 

"Look, you know... you know what I am like. I am no guy for a relationship. "

I couldn't look at him anymore. He used me, he made me think he cared about me. How could he do this to me? Made me trust him. Okay. Keep going, Harry. Don't freak out. Don't show him.

Why would he do this? He knows how vulnerable I am. How desperate I am for someone who cares for me. Who thinks I am worth something. And now he broke it. He ripped it away from me. The weird fantasy I had. The fantasy about how we would be together. How we would sneak around, kissing in empty halls. His laughing, me kissing him... Never would have worked out. I know that. We are just too different. He is more outgoing, has lots of friends. I am more introverted. Afraid of the world. Afraid for anything and everything.

I would not show him. He would not see how he hurt me. How he messed with my heart. How he made me feel.

But I could not stop my voice from shaking when I said "So this is this it? The end of this?" As I looked away from him. The train station was still empty and quiet. 

Just like I felt in that moment. I felt empty. Muted. Not like my normal self. A distorted version of what I was supposed to be.

Malfoy stunned me when he started mumbling "It does not have to be?"

I turned my head fast,  looked at him. Surprised. Confused for a bit. What does he mean? It won't be what I think it means, right? 

"What?"

He stroked my face. "I said: It does not have to be?"

"Wha-what"

He looks at me, with those beautiful grey eyes. "I care about you, Potter..."