When I first Knew.

When I first decided to change

"I know I am an idiot" Draco's eyes are watery. Is he on the edge of crying? "I was being dumb, but we were fighting"

"That is not an excuse," I say more bitterly than I intended. "You shouldn't have done it. And you should have told me."

"I know! I know... I should have just thought about it for a second." He looks down. "But I didn't" A tear dripped down his cheek. "I am sorry" He starts to cry now.

I watched him crying his eyes out. How could I stay mad at him if he regrets it so much? It hurts. So much. And I love him, even though I can't tell him. I really do. He does not know how much I want him. How much I need him

"But you know, I am not a "good guy,". Not a guy you would want a relationship with. I promise you. A relationship with me. It will end badly." I stood up, pacing the same pad over and over again. 

I have to try and explain it to Potter. I don't want to lose him. I have to try.

I Can't do relationships. It didn't work out the last time. Why would it now? I thought I could, but when Potter looks at me like that. Like I am everything.

It is beautiful but tearing me apart. He deserves better, but I don't want him to have someone better. I want him to have me. 

I want him. But I am scared, I can't hurt him more. 

Potter just looks at me like I am some kind of nutjob. I am. I don't even know what I want. Except for him. But I do want him. So much. But when I noticed him staring at me, I stood still. Oh, Merlin. This boy. 

What is he doing to me? He drives me crazy with those perfect green eyes. His beautiful face. I want to stroke it, hold it, when my face moves closer to his, lips touching. My hand moving from his face to his hair. From his hair down to his neck. To his back. My hand moving... Up to his shirt. My hand on his chest. Him moaning while-

NO. No. No, no, no, no. I can't have a relationship. Not even with the guy of my dreams. Wow-wow Too soon Draco. Just keep your cool, don't worry. Breath. 

He finally spoke, "So what do you want?"

"I want this, to meet you, to date you" I stared at his lips. "Kiss you..."

I upset him. I see it happen. His eyes confirm everything I feared since the very first kiss. I will lose him. The thing I wanted to prevent. Happens now.

"Okay"

Wait, what? 

I am stunned, disbelief. What is happening? Does he want this? 

Unsure what to say next I stammer "Ok-okay?"

"Yeah, okay Malfoy, let's try"

Potter just smiles. And with a little gesture, my heart almost burst out my chest. I can have him. I can be with him. I want to scream. But maybe that isn't the best Idea. 

It is so quiet here at the station. I am not used to it. Most of the time you hear an excited chattering. Children excited. Moms and Dads trying to hold their tears back. Trolleys riding. And how could I forget the pets? 

Cats-Owls. Like the owl Potter has, I know he loves Hedwig. Hermione has some weird cat. I don't have anything. Not that I did not want it.

I wish I had a pet, but my parents aren't big fans. They don't want to be attached to anything. Not even me. And they don't want me to be attached to anyone or anything,  not even them.

I know my mother loves me. I do, but she is not allowed to show. The last time she did... Well, I don't want to talk about that. I can still hear her scream. 

I scratch my neck "Are you sure Potter?"

In the time I was thinking he stood up. Standing next to me. He grabs my hand. Still smiling. And he nods. 

I want to kiss him so badly right now. But I don't want to scare him away. I might. I will. I won't. I want it.

Why are you like this Malfoy? Why are you such a wuss? For no reason at all. I mean, you know this boy since you were eleven! Why are you so nervous? WHY ARE YOU BEING STUPID?

JUST KISS HIM. My mind almost screams at me.  I want to kiss him. I do. 

But... I am scared. It doesn't happen a lot, that I fear stuff. Fear situations. Fear people. Not even pain. People are the worst. When you expect the worst. Well, you never have to be scared again. Used to pain. Used to terrible situations.

But nothing scares me more than these seconds. Those 3 seconds it takes me to move my lips towards his. Those 3 seconds of silence, just the sound of our breathing. No other sound. 

I close my eyes.

And our lips touch, softly at first. I grab him by his coat, getting closer. He can't move close enough. His hands move over my face. My hands move down, underneath his coat. I moan softly, I want him. So badly. I want him. Now. I need him. Right here. I crave him. I can't think anymore. His scent, his painting, his lips, his body. He is- Harry Potter is everything. Everything I want, need and ever wanted or needed. 

But he slowly parts. I don't want him to go.

"So are we gonna do this?" 

I hesitate to answer. This is too good to be true.

I just- I don't know I can't believe this. So I just say. "I guess"

"Friends with something extra" And he laughs. 

And I smile for the first time. In a long time.

I wish I could give him more. I am an egoistic person, I want to be happy.

I want to have him. Kiss him. I want to hold him at night. I want to- No, I need to be the best I can be. I need to be a better person. I need to give him what he needs, what he deserves. I need him to be happy. 

Not even that. I need to make him smile, to let him rest. Let him be himself for the very first time.

He needs to be free, and I want to help set him free.