Hey there, gems! Are you looking for someone to review your work and provide helpful feedback so you can hone your writing skills? Well look no further! This is the place for you.
We provide reviews and feedback to anyone who submits. All you need...
"Mother, just because you're his lap dog; It doesn't mean what he did, he did for my best interest!"
A few things are incorrect about that above example. First of all, the semicolon doesn't work; the first clause is not a complete sentence. The, "Mother, just because you're his lap dog" is not a complete sentence. Secondly, you don't need to capitalise the first letter in the word 'it', since it is, technically, one sentence.
And, now, my final point: incomplete sentences. Incomplete sentences can be a great technique to use in writing. Some published authors use it all the time – it can help amp up the tension, it can make the writing snappier, and it can ramp up the pace.
However, they have to be used effectively. I found that you didn't use them effectively. For example, your very first sentence:
"Slamming my balled fists against my mother's expensive coffee table, causing the thing to rattle with a crack."
It's an incomplete sentence, but it serves no impact or purpose. You have a lot of incomplete sentences, and I suggest that you look out for those in your editing phase.
Character Building: 3/5
I'll start by saying that I adored the banter. The dialogue seemed to be the driving factor in your story, and the occasional quips were witty and executed relatively well. Great work!
However, I find your characters rather moody. Let's talk about Arsenio, shall we? In the very first chapter, when he meets Ariana, he chides himself internally for acting like a 'hormonal boy'. And, yet, he spends a lot of the chapter having a lot of internal monologue about the way the women around him look. That felt rather contradictive – yes, he may have felt that instant attraction, but if that's you were getting at, then you need to clarify. Using physiological responses is a great way to do this, and I'll get more into this in a second.
Anyways, back to Arsenio. I do think that his shift and fluctuation in power was interesting to read about, and I loved seeing the way his persona almost changed when he spoke to his father to when he spoke to Ariana. But there was just something 'off' about his characterisation. I know what you were trying to achieve – dominant, alpha male, who will eventually warm up to a girl who challenges him.
But we need to see depth from the very beginning when we meet him. We need to want him to develop and soften up. And yes, I suppose that was the point of his son also being introduced and the cute dialogue between them, but a lot of the 'warmth' that Arsenio felt towards his son was told to us. Not shown to us. Things like, "God, I love my son to death" just doesn't cut it. Readers shouldn't need to be told this. We should be shown this.
Apart from that, I think I just got the wrong first impression of Arsenio. Considering one of the first things I'm told about him is that he likes submissive women, I instantly felt a detachment. I think you should be careful if you're going to include chapters from the perspective of someone like Arsenio – you have to make sure everything feels justified. The reader doesn't necessarily have to agree with him, but they definitely have to be intrigued enough by him to read on.
Ariana confused me a little, too. She seemed to be the one who would challenge Arsenio and all that potential sort of turned to dust as the story progressed. I felt as if she became far more submissive, and though she had some wonderful moments of badassery, I didn't feel that connection with her.
Again, I think it was a matter of showing instead of telling. You need to show. You're in first person – use that to your advantage. Imagine you are Ariana or Arsenio, sitting in a café, telling your story to someone. What would you say to them? How would you describe each situation?
Also, physiological responses. They are fantastic, if used well. How to characters' body response to events and characters? Do their hands turn balmy when they're nervous? Does their head race when they are stressed? Does their heart pound madly? Does their stomach lurch? Show it to us! Put us in their shoes!
Writing Style: 2.5/5
I found minimal setting within your entire story, and I think you should strive to change that. Your story was driven by dialogue, and I think it would be such a nice contrast to see some setting introduced within the story. Again, take us there. Paint the picture for us. Don't stress what they are wearing so much; if clothes won't have such a big impact of the direction of the story, don't spend precious words typing on about the exact style of dress and shoes. Focus on setting. The reader wants to be there. Take us there.
And, again, telling, telling, telling. You need to work on your showing. Things like, "I shouted angrily" can easily be shown by describing how they felt. Did their blood simmer? Also, it's pretty much redundant. If you shout something, it's usually out of anger. The 'angrily' isn't necessary.
That leads me onto my next point: figurative language. You should try including it, because that is what makes stories rich and engaging to read. I'm also curious about your spacing in your story? I'm assuming it's simply Wattpad glitching, but there are massive gaps between your paragraphs. I thought I'd bring it up. I didn't deduct any points because of it, but it isn't really how writing should be presented.
I liked the introduction of the second language! I think it was fairly obvious what the meaning of some words were, so I don't think you need to include brackets that say what the words mean. Perhaps, when more complex sentences are used that aren't explained well in the context, you could consider including an appendix that translates the phrases within the story into English? Just a thought.
Plot + Uniqueness: 2.5/5
Okay, so, this is a Mafia story. Mafia stories can be fun, even though there are a ton of them on Wattpad. I loved it when you included the guns, the action, the tension. I think you should strive to do this even more. Right now, it feels very much like a family/romance/drama that has a touch of mafia undertones underpinning the story. That may have been your intention. If it was, well done.
You've asked me to discuss whether the overall pieces work together. Honestly, it took me a while to answer that. While your chapters flow seamlessly into one another, I just felt like I was wading through shallow water while reading your story. I didn't feel like I was going anywhere.
Honestly, it felt more like a television series than a book. There's an issue/conflict, it gets resolved, but then another one pops up. When that is resolved, another one pops up. And they don't always lead on from each other. Maybe that was your intention – to have it as a series of intense events. But it doesn't really work for a book. Let's have a look at the image below, shall we?
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
A story is supposed to have a rising tension that leads to one big climax. Maybe you're still working your way towards it, but I feel like too much is going on and, yet, not enough is going on simultaneously. I found the pregnancy chapters authentic (albeit, rushed), but I just felt like I was losing sense of the plot. I didn't feel a purpose to the plot. I didn't feel a direction. I was just drifting.
So, yes, I definitely enjoyed some parts of the story. But I did feel like it wasn't leading anywhere.
OVERALL SCORE: 14/25
Overall, an intriguing story with lots of potential for fantastic character development and promising moments of rawness. Just work on showing as opposed to telling, and you should be good to go!
